I liked to look at the stars because looking at something that is dead and yet still gorgeous is such a rare beauty.
I needed more beautiful things in my life.
I have done bad things to get to this place of loneliness, I've said 'You can't get to where you wanna get by avoiding stepping on toes, but if you burn all your bridges you might just wind up on an island.' I'm there now making a signal fire and no one is answering, there's no ships at sea to hear my distress call.
I haven't felt this lonely since when I was surround with friends.
I once stood before a crowd of faceless strangers that all knew my name, blurred out countenances looking like masks and I couldn't remember what mask I was supposed to wear that day. I was moving in slow motion but everyone else was running past me, I just couldn't keep up. I felt as though I was being dragged below the surface of the water, and I'll be the one who drowns because my demons swim much better than me, they've had practice, I've spent too long trying to drown them myself.
They didn't understand, they couldn't understand, because I couldn't explain it. It's not that I was sad all the time, it's just that I was never happy anymore, I couldn't remember what a real smile felt like and it tore me apart when I spread that pearly white lie across my face.
I was able to hide anything, cover all of it up. I could hide myself from everything, disguise tears that crept up, muffle screams with yawns, I could hide it all and I could hide from it all, except from one thing, the only thing that I was ever trying to hide from, myself.
To paraphrase Roger Zelazny 'Death I realized, is the only God that ever comes when you called' and I got that bitches number ringing right now."
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| "The man who kills a man kills a man. The man who kills himself kills all men. As far as he is concerned, he wipes out the world." - G.K. Chesterton 1874- 1936 |
