Day 146: Doughnut whole

Have you ever met someone and just knew that you didn't wanna be without them?

I have.

The greatest thing to ever happen to me happened to be a woman, I joke that she tricked me into loving her but I think I did that to her.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am, I take her for granted and I'm not the best husband I could be.
I'm working on it I swear.

I really love her hair.

Every day I find something more beautiful about her than the day before, I think I can't love her any more than I already do and then she does something that makes me laugh or just shake my head and I love her even more.

I'm glad that she still finds me funny, cute, charming, and goofy. (I left out intelligent because she's WAY smarter than me.)

She helps me find myself when I'm lost, She helps me find my heart when I'm dead inside, She helps find compassion in me when I hate the world, She helps me find the bed when I've drunk too much, She helps me find my way back when I get lost in thought, She helps me when my memory fades but I'll never forget how much I love her.

She is better than I'll ever be, better than I could ever be.

My better half makes me a better whole.

I doughnut know what I would do without you.
Photo credit: Vdoylephotography

Day 145: I prayed today, well kinda...

I saw a car with a yellow ribbon on it today, I wanted to ask them about it but I can't tell if it's just for show or if they really had it for someone.
I got another band tattooed on my calf this week, I wonder how long until my legs turn black.
I keep getting more and more ink but it doesn't help but there is something to "Ink Therapy."

I pretended to pray today.

I helped an old lady into her car with a sticker that said "Proud Army grandmother."
I asked about her sticker and she told me "My grandson saved his friends, he jumped on the grenade that was gonna kill them all, he saved their lives. He's a hero"
She looked proud and I felt sad.
I helped her back out of her parking spot.
I saw a flag waving on a corner house and I saw they had a gold star service flag in the window, I wonder if I knew them, I wonder if I could've saved them, I wonder if they saved me.

I pretended to pray today.

I went to visit you.
I brought you a six pack and I hate to admit it but I drank most of it. I sat there telling you all that was new in my life and I knew I wouldn't get anything back.
I knew that most of it was made up and I was lying to a dead person.
The groundskeeper keeps telling me this is gonna kill the grass around you, I say fuck em'.
We both know what makes the grass grow. We are both laughing now and only a few people will get it.
Blood, blood, blood.

I pretended to pray today.

I sat in the church this Sunday and talked to myself hoping to hear someone say something back, hoping to hear anything, a scream, a noise, a whisper, just something to let me know I was heard, to let me know that you weren't just gone.
I sat in silence for five hours and I waited.
The pastor came over to me and prayed with me.

I prayed today.

It felt the same as pretending.

I haven't heard a thing since that day back in Kajaki. I don't think I hear much but ringing when everything gets quiet. I haven't heard much since I heard you last.
Maybe I just don't wanna listen. Maybe someone is trying to talk to me but they don't speak English or Pashtun. Fuck them for not listening when we needed them.

I pretended to pray today, I just wish whoever it is wasn't pretending to listen.

"God doesn't pick sides in war. People pick Gods and the survivors think they found truth."
 - J.R.

Slawson, Myself, Cooper, and good ol' Cobblepott
bedding down for the night.
Prince took this photo before it rained.

Day 144: Legacy

This is a letter, a letter I know you'll never read, a letter I know is just for us, a letter that many will read but the one we want to see it never will.
This is a letter about your legacy.

This is my letter to Donovan.

Donovan, I wish I could've met you. I know your family and they are pretty amazing people so I know it's safe to assume you were too, but I'm lucky that I don't have to assume, literally everyone that ever met you speaks only praise for you. I don't have to assume, I know that you were an amazing soul.

Normally I don't use that word, soul, I'm not a fan of it but with you, dear Lord I hope I get to meet you someday brother.

There are a few people I wanted to talk to you about if you've got the time.

First, there is your brother Ray. He is rough, mean, and kinda a dick, but he has never spoken an ill word about you. Ray is what many people would call a hero, I know he doesn't see himself that way, I think he sees you that way though. I doubt I'll ever see him be soft, but when your name comes up, that tough guy becomes a little less tough and wants everyone to know that he could not be more proud of his brother for the man he was and the legacy he left.

Second, there is your mother Eileen. I love your mother. I really love your mother. I can't tell you enough how much I love your mother. She is so tough, she is so strong, she is something amazing. I see where you got it. She talks about you often, really as often as she can, she loved you more than I can express in this letter, she cares for you so much and she is making sure that you will never be forgotten. She misses you dearly and she can't wait to see you again.
I know you see her often when she comes and cleans up your grave and brings you flowers and gifts which she does so very often. My brother, you are very lucky to have a mom as amazing as her. She started a scholarship in your name to make sure your legacy gets passed on.

Last but definitely not least is your sister, my wife, Te'onna. This woman is amazing,  I can't say this as many times as it should be. I love your sister, she is who she is because of your family, because of how you helped her be a better person, because of how she helped you be a better man.
This girl loves you so much and it pains me to see her sad when her heart breaks over again when she thinks about you being gone. She holds you in the highest regard, she will never allow someone to speak foul of you, she makes sure people know who you were, what you did, and the great shadow that you left on all that knew you. She misses you man, and I just wish I knew how to make her feel better, but the only thing that can help is you, you were the biggest part of her heart.

I wanna thank you additionally from myself, brother thank you for being who you were, thank you for making everyone you came into contact with feel better, shine brighter, and work harder. The legacy and impact you made on everyone reflects the character of the person you were. I've learned about how amazing you were, from the ones that knew you and were fortunate enough to have been graced by your presence, I just wish I got to meet you.

I also just wanted to let you know we named our son after you, Keiran Donovan Adams Randel, I picked it while your sister was sleeping after giving birth to him.
I have seen the impact you played in the life of your friends, family, and community and I hope my son could be half as great as you are, I hope he passes on your legacy, I hope he understands how wonderful you truly were and how to leave a lasting positive impact on every second of every day.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you for being who you were and for flying as high as anyone could imagine.

Photo Credit: Andrea Cleghorn

Photo Credit: Andrea Cleghorn

Day 143: Thank you Mom

There you lay, your hair sweaty and matted to your skin, your cheeks all flushed.

I loved you more in that moment than ever before, you have made me so happy.

I just stood over you and looked on through my own tears, the biggest smile I have ever shown.

The little crying that echoed in the room only made me happier.

You went through so much pain for this, all I did was stand about.

Half of this is my doing and the half is yours, but we did it out of love.

"Te'onna, we have a boy!"

I love you more today than I did yesterday and I'll love you more tomorrow.

You have given me the most beautiful thing on earth and he only weighs 7.5 pounds.

Thank you for being my everything, thank you for being patient with us both, and thank you for being his mother.

He is lucky to get to call you Mom.

My world in one picture.

Day 142 March 26 2014: Memory day

I know people that I lost because of a war.
A war we grew up in as children.
A war we fought and died in as teenagers.
A war we survived and deal with as adults.
A war we drink to forget and blow our fucking brains out to escape as middle aged men.
A war we wish we could forget but wish we could remember the faces of our friends as old bastards.

I guess in any war there are heroes on both sides.
I just wish I didn't know as many.

I guess those who never served will never understand.
Those who never went will wish they did.
Those who were there will wish they never saw what they did.

I think a casket is harder to bury when the parents of the deceased are present for the funeral.

It's that day of the year we are supposed to stop and thank dead people.
I know it's not meant to be like that but for me and a lot of people I know...it is.
Today is a day where people get a three day weekend and they show some fake patriotism, wave a flag, get drunk and talk about how great america is(or how great it used to be) and how much they love freedom when they haven't done a goddamn thing for it, while I'm over here ordering beers for someone who can't can't drink it, writing a letter to someone who will never read it, and just talking to myself because the person I wanna talk to can't hear me.

Some of my best friends are the ones I can't talk to anymore.

Memorial day reminds me that your heart can get broken for different people over the same reason and no matter how many times it breaks, it hurts more than the last one.

Human shields are remembered
once a year.