Day 146: Doughnut whole

Have you ever met someone and just knew that you didn't wanna be without them?

I have.

The greatest thing to ever happen to me happened to be a woman, I joke that she tricked me into loving her but I think I did that to her.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am, I take her for granted and I'm not the best husband I could be.
I'm working on it I swear.

I really love her hair.

Every day I find something more beautiful about her than the day before, I think I can't love her any more than I already do and then she does something that makes me laugh or just shake my head and I love her even more.

I'm glad that she still finds me funny, cute, charming, and goofy. (I left out intelligent because she's WAY smarter than me.)

She helps me find myself when I'm lost, She helps me find my heart when I'm dead inside, She helps find compassion in me when I hate the world, She helps me find the bed when I've drunk too much, She helps me find my way back when I get lost in thought, She helps me when my memory fades but I'll never forget how much I love her.

She is better than I'll ever be, better than I could ever be.

My better half makes me a better whole.

I doughnut know what I would do without you.
Photo credit: Vdoylephotography

Day 145: I prayed today, well kinda...

I saw a car with a yellow ribbon on it today, I wanted to ask them about it but I can't tell if it's just for show or if they really had it for someone.
I got another band tattooed on my calf this week, I wonder how long until my legs turn black.
I keep getting more and more ink but it doesn't help but there is something to "Ink Therapy."

I pretended to pray today.

I helped an old lady into her car with a sticker that said "Proud Army grandmother."
I asked about her sticker and she told me "My grandson saved his friends, he jumped on the grenade that was gonna kill them all, he saved their lives. He's a hero"
She looked proud and I felt sad.
I helped her back out of her parking spot.
I saw a flag waving on a corner house and I saw they had a gold star service flag in the window, I wonder if I knew them, I wonder if I could've saved them, I wonder if they saved me.

I pretended to pray today.

I went to visit you.
I brought you a six pack and I hate to admit it but I drank most of it. I sat there telling you all that was new in my life and I knew I wouldn't get anything back.
I knew that most of it was made up and I was lying to a dead person.
The groundskeeper keeps telling me this is gonna kill the grass around you, I say fuck em'.
We both know what makes the grass grow. We are both laughing now and only a few people will get it.
Blood, blood, blood.

I pretended to pray today.

I sat in the church this Sunday and talked to myself hoping to hear someone say something back, hoping to hear anything, a scream, a noise, a whisper, just something to let me know I was heard, to let me know that you weren't just gone.
I sat in silence for five hours and I waited.
The pastor came over to me and prayed with me.

I prayed today.

It felt the same as pretending.

I haven't heard a thing since that day back in Kajaki. I don't think I hear much but ringing when everything gets quiet. I haven't heard much since I heard you last.
Maybe I just don't wanna listen. Maybe someone is trying to talk to me but they don't speak English or Pashtun. Fuck them for not listening when we needed them.

I pretended to pray today, I just wish whoever it is wasn't pretending to listen.

"God doesn't pick sides in war. People pick Gods and the survivors think they found truth."
 - J.R.

Slawson, Myself, Cooper, and good ol' Cobblepott
bedding down for the night.
Prince took this photo before it rained.