Day 106 February 17 2014: Black, White, and read all over

Splitting things into a color coated categories and blubbering biased babeldom blaring out to the masses blaming others for your problems, it never solved anything.

Ignoring white privilege and placing poorly palliaments on a person and saying they have priority over people causing pantophobia only helps persist a problem, it never solved anything.

Seeing skin and saying sin is with him with the slightly sooted shade is more than slightly stupid, it never solved anything.

Lustfully looking to look like those that look like others and those literally give little love and only lending to loneliness, it never solved anything.

            "Bet they won't steal work boots."            "The white man is keeping us down."
                  "They all feel entitled."                                            "I am entitled."
                        "White power."                                                   "Black pride."
              "They are all fucking same."                           "They are all the fucking same."

Just because we look different doesn't mean we aren't the same, skin means nothing to what lies beneath it. Falling into the follies of previous generations generates gaps in our glorious groups.

I have never and will never understand why people associate with race, I only know of one race, the human race...everything else is just semantics to me.

The best pictures use many colors

Day 105 Febuary 16 2014: Start over

Let's start over, maybe our lines never crossed,
The stars never aligned, let's say we never met,
But once we both forget each other, I know we'll both be lost,
You are someone I want to remember, but there are somethings I want to forget.

Let's start over, let's forget we knew each other.

Let's start over, I'm erasing you from my brain,
I'm burning old pictures, I'm emptying my shoe box,
I'm clearing out my storage, washing you down the drain,
I'm deleting my memories, I wanna turn back all my clocks.

Let's start over, let's forget we knew each other.

I'm sorry I did what I did, I'm sorry I can't change the past,
I'm sorry I couldn't fix the future, I'm sorry we didn't last.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

I wish I could remember what I've forgotten.

"By morning you'll be gone."
Joel, Eternal Sunshine On The Spotless Mind

Day 104 February 15 2014: I remember

I stood there standing in the cold waiting for your car to show.

I remember watching my breath rise as the heat escaped my lungs and the snow melted in its wake, I remember being upset that you were late and I was shivering waiting for you to get there, I remember watching the wind blow the drift around and the moon lit up the sky, I remember everything from that night but I forgot to tell you I loved you when I hung up that phone.

I stood there just waiting.

I remember when I called you and it went to voice mail, I remember when I kept calling and kept getting more frustrated that you didn't pick up, I remember leaving angry messages to you, I remember yelling into my phone that "IT'S FREEZING OUTSIDE! HURRY YOUR ASS UP", I remember watching the few cars that went passed me and being upset it wasn't you, I remember everything from that night but I forgot to tell you I loved you when I hung up that phone.

I just stood there upset.

I remember when my phone rang and my fingers were too cold to work, I remember answering it all pissed off when I saw it was you, I remember yelling at your sister before she could say a word, I remember her crying in my ear and not making any sense, I remember what she said to me and how my heart sank, I remember how my ears stung more from those words than from the cold, I remember everything from that night but I forgot to tell you I loved you when I hung up that phone.

"She had a present for you in the car."

I remember running as fast as I could screaming at cars to pick me up, I remember crying the entire way to the hospital, I remember trying to call my mother on the way there, I remember getting in the doors and yelling to find you, I remember the nurses rushing me to that room, I remember running down hallway after hallway and it feeling like forever, I remember getting to the waiting room to see your entire family there just crying with each other, I remember the moment that I knew I'd never see you smile again, I remember everything from that night but I forgot to tell you I loved you when I hung up that phone.

I remember everything like it was yesterday.

I'll never forget to tell someone I love them because it might just be the last thing they get to hear.

Never will you feel more helpless than in a waiting room...

Day 103 February 14 2014: Maybe I'm not supposed to be saved

I'll never understand it no matter how much I try.

I've prayed, I've been baptized, I've asked to be spoken to, I read the entire book(s) multiple times front to back, I've fasted, I've been abstinent (well kinda), I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, I've cried out to the skies from the bottom of my heart to the top of my lungs, "IF YOU'RE OUT THERE I WANNA KNOW! SHOW YOURSELF TO ME! STOP BEING A FUCKING COWARD! I NEED TO SEE YOU!"
I've sat in churches, temples, synagogues, and mosques, I've done everything I can to find you and you still evade me.
I spent days praying and no one was listening to the babble that fell out of my mouth.

I'll never be a part of Islam/Christianity/Buddhism/Mormonism/Hinduism/Judaism/Zoroastrianism/Sikhism/Confucianism/Taoism/Jainism/Rastafarian/Baha'i/Shinto no matter what I do.

They all take faith and I have none left.
Why have faith in something that I can't believe in and has no faith in me?

I'm not good enough, I am evil, I can't do anything by myself, I was born to do bad things, I am a product of incest, I don't do anything good by myself, I have to be happy about human sacrifice, and I will die forever and ever because I lack what is needed to become immortal.

If I'm damned forever, I guess that is my own doing, my own curse, and my own fault for just not getting it or for just not being able to have faith.

I'll never understand it, I don't know how other people do, or maybe, I'm just not supposed to.

"The lord works in mysterious ways." - Worst fucking cop-out ever.

Day 102 February 13 2014: Not all nights

Fingers nails glide across sweaty backs faster than race cars around tracks while heart beats pound against chests pressed together,
Sheets pushed aside and blankets tossed to the floor and pillows don't mean comfort anymore they mean leverage,
Heat escalating and temperatures climbing higher and higher while the room remains chilly but the bed is on fire,
Legs tangled up like noodles in a dish all twisted together like puzzle pieces meant to be holding each other,
Arms moving up and down finding and exploring every inch of the other like an adventurer on a new voyage to discover an uncharted happiness.

Legs shaking, voices trembling, sheets stained, windows steamed.

Not all nights are spent like this but more should be.

I'll start the shower after I get you dirty...

Day 101 February 12 2014: Time

Time is like the shifting sands on a deserted beach, hollowed shores with abandoned sandcastles being blown apart by whispering winds filled with forgotten memories.
Time is like a forest of dead trees, all busted and broken with leaves abandoning their home to find death on the floor below, the trees bark is worst than their bite.
Time is like an empty track covered in broken hurdles and the first place ribbons of past victors who's names are carved on misplaced trophies.
Time is like a room of talking mouths and no ears, everyone is hoping someone will remember what they said but no one is listening, every face is a clock just counting down until it stops ticking.

People take time for themselves, they place it neatly high up on the shelf, they move the time meant for others to a different time all together.
Time for them is a self revolving door and each pane is a mirror trying not to reflect their pain on others...it's meant for another time.

Time is a cruel bitch, it goes too fast when you want it slow and it goes so slow when you wish it would just end.
Time is like a bird because it sure can fly.

I choose to spend my time making the most of what little there truly is, I cant read the watch of my life but my life is something I'd rather be living than watching.
Sometimes the best times are the times where I spend time with someone who takes the time to give me the time of day.

I'd rather do nothing with someone than something with no one almost anytime.

I've got time to eat

Day 100 February 11 2014: Suicide headaches

It is like there is a monster living inside of my head and it's tearing apart my brain piece by piece.
Claws grabbing at grey matter like it doesn't matter which part he's ripping apart.
Placing jackhammers to vibrate, squeeze, dismantle, destroy, and disintegrate whats left of a broken battered brain.
Dragging a sabertooth rake across my mind pulling all the pain he can out and piling it up as he goes.

It's like my jawbone is being pulled from my scalp, one hand on my forehead, the other trying to tear my jaw away.
It's like someone took a fire poker fresh from the hot flames and shoved it through my eye.
My face droops and my eyes water, I need water because I'm having trouble breathing.
I feel it hit me like a bat to the side of my head and I wish it would leave just as fast as it came on, but he doesn't grant wishes.
My knees give out, my hands shake, my breath gets heavy, and it's more than I can take.

I'm locking myself in a room filled with blackness, I'm blacking out my curtains, I'm blocking out the sun, I'm hiding in the closet until this pain is done.

I can't hear, I can't see, I can't think, I can't breath, I can't hold still, I can't control my muscles, I can't ask for help, I can't move, I can't talk, I can't drink, I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't...make it stop.

I hate riding in ambulances.

They nicknamed this devil "Suicide headaches" and he bears that title proudly.

Cluster headaches in a visual form.
I wish this on no one.

Day 99 Feburary 10 2014: Excerpt number three from: Diary of a dead man; the suicide note of Wesley Banner

"Today would be a good day, I felt it in my bones when I woke up this morning.
I hadn't even got out my bathroom before I knew that would change. Standing right in front of me, just staring into those dead eyes, I had to stop walking and I heard it all start up again...



'You're a worthless piece of shit, you're disgusting, you're a faulty wire that burns a family alive and then stares at the charred remains, you're the excrement of a botch abortion, you're a bag of vomit left in the sun to rot, you're the leftovers of a leaky bomb shelter after too much radiation has seeped in, all  retarded, all disgusting, all worthless sacks of shit piling higher and higher until you block out the sun with your vile existence.

You disgust me, you make my stomach turn on itself, like rotten milk backed up by a month of diarrhea, you are a speck of nothingness, you are shit spread across the heel of my shoe as I scrape you across the sidewalk leaving your stench behind me, you are a fly that lingers on piles of trash eating nothing but garbage and spewing out trash on those around you, you are a gross maggot crawling from one turd to another eating little bits of waste and making yourself more disgusting as you go.

All this wrapped in a suit and tie but I know who you are.

Fuck you. You have no value and I despise everything about your ugly, repulsive, hideous, ghastly, nasty, and revolting face.

You're too disgusting for even the worms to eat your corpse.

You will die unloved by all, remembered by none, and only your demons will keep you company.'



I should remove the mirrors in my house, I don't like the man I see on the other side of this looking glass and my mind will remind me every time I see him, that I hate everything about him."

Mirror mirror on the wall...

Day 98 February 9 2014: In this lifetime

I think I've figured it out.
I'm sure I solved the puzzle.
I know how to beat the system.
Who knows if I can do it this time around though.

At one point everything that exists was completely together and the Big Bang tore it all apart,
Every little atom that makes up your being and every little particle that has ever been me, were once together.
Because we were together before, I think we are searching for each other, to be back together and be made whole again.

I just learned how "soul mates" work.

Finding your soul mate would be easier if you understood quantum mathematics.

Maybe I just need a Big Bang.