Day 90 February 1 2014: Segregation

Degradation through separation tried to teach a "role",

Segregation from caucasian can damage the soul.

With aggravation and aspirations to someday reach the goal,

We need adoration to the generation where it took its toll.

There should be celebration in the publication and not an empty hole,

The proclamation of emancipation from the life we stole.

Because when you divide a nation, it can't be called "whole".

Day 59 January 1 2014: Don't forget to breath

There's a decadence on the distance that you've placed between us,
A loving lonely longing between each breath.
As I watch your chest rise with each intake and fall with each exhale,
I remember the words that used to expel from those beautiful lips.

As they parted when we departed and those words fell from your face,
I hide mine in my sweater, hoping to forget her.
Tears never brought much grace.

Just don't forget to breath, after you've forgotten me.
Because after all, you told me I was your air.
You couldn't breath without me, you couldn't be without we.
But you left, does that seem fair?

"I love you" stings most when spoken from a mouth you no longer kiss,
and a heart breaks fastest from one that you no longer miss.

Day 58 December 31 2013: The day the sun turned black

Day 1: We got the news while building a porch swing. She dropped her hammer and started crying.

Day 14: We started looking at treatment centers and what options we had, she wouldn't stop crying and I wouldn't let myself start.

Day 27: She underwent her first round, she threw up in the car. "I'm sorry baby I just can't keep my food down, I feel so sick all the time now."

"It's okay I'll just make you some more until it settles."

Day 32: I bring her pink roses when I pick her up from the center. "Oh you didn't have to but I'm glad you did and of course they are pink."

Pink was her favorite color for as long as I can remember.

Day 40: Her hair is starting to get a little thin, I found some in the shower yesterday but I just cleaned it up and didn't say a word. She'll still look beautiful bald because it won't change that smile and eyes that I fell in love with.

Day 57: Too sick to work on our projects and the porch swing sits waiting.

Day 70: Bald is beautiful right?

Day 89: It has started to regress and we couldn't be more happy.

Day 102: Turn for the worse.

Day 115: She starting to stay more nights at the hospital just to be safe. She's losing weight and I'm losing sleep, my bed has never felt more empty.

Day 130: They told me today that they had to up the radiation to stop the spread, I was unsure but she said she didn't mind it. So we up'd it and I watched the color in her skin fade along with her weight.

Day 150: It's regressing again and they think its for good this time, she was smiling all day and so was I. The first almost decent night of sleep I've had in awhile.

Day 165: She said "My treatments are going good. They said soon I'll be able to come home again and we can finish building that swing we made."

Her enthusiasm was contagious, it made the room brighter, which was good because the hospital lights made everything look dull and dim.

"That is good because its looking awful just sitting in pieces, stop taking so long I've been waiting to finish it."

My sarcasm always made her smile.

Day 190: She gets to come home.

Day 198: We finish the building process and start the painting process.

"Paint it white. It will look cool when it chips and will look great next to the pink roses you're going to plant me."

"I'm planting you roses now?"

"Well yeah, because you love me so much."

So we start the project right where we left off at, but now I have roses to plant later.

Day 205: Regular check up and we are looking awesome.

Day 225: Looking better than last time and hair is coming back.

Day 240: Lunch with friends for the first time since she got sick, it was much needed.

Day 270: I'm making her dinner and I hear a thud from the dining room. Bloody nose and she's out cold.

Day 271: It's back and theres more than before.

"HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THIS BEFORE?!"

"Listen I know your upset but you need to keep your voi…"

"YOU ARE RIGHT I'M UPSET! I GOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS WORLD THAT MATTERS TO ME IN THE NEXT ROOM DYING AND YOUR ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONES SAVING HER AND YOU ARENT DOING YOUR JOB! GODDAMN RIGHT I'M UPSET!"

"Babe come here. Babe come here and save me yourself."

"Whats up dear? You okay? Is everything alright?

"Yeah, just calm down and sit with me."

"Well I just need…"

"You just need to calm down and sit with me right now. Let them do their thing and we'll do ours and right now thats sitting here."

Day 294: No luck in pushing it back again or killing it off. A brain tumor is harder to treat than we originally thought.

Day 318: It's doubled in size.

Day 330: I am spending more nights sleeping at the hospital.

Day 348: "You have everything in order correct?"

"Yeah but she's gonna make it, I'm not even thinking about that stuff right now."

"I understand, maybe you should start thinking about it a little later then."

Day 360: No sleep tonight, moans of pain keep us both awake.

Day 364: "It's almost midnight babe do you want me to get the nurse to give you some more pain meds so you can sleep?"

"No I'm fine just come lay with me."

I crawl into the bed and we just talked for a good twenty minutes or so just about our favorites things, how we almost got divorced a few years back, what we are gonna do when she gets back home.

She stops me mid sentence and says "Tell me how much you love me."

"What?"

"Tell me how much you love me. You have to do what I say, can't tell a dying girl no now can you?"

"Don't say stuff like that."

"Then tell me how much you love me." There was a little smirk on her face.

"You wanna know how much I love you?" She nods, that smirk getting bigger.

"I remember when I met you, I was on a blind date with that one girl with the really big nose, oh what was her name…"

"Janet." She lost the smirk and looked sternly at me. She didn't like Janet.

"Yeah thats right. I remember it was going awful because she was an awful person."

Smile returns.

"She was going on about something dull and boring and then you walked by and spilt your drink all over me when you tripped, I was so upset and started yelling until you looked up at me. That was the day I fell in love with you babe."

"You still didn't tell me how much though." Bigger smile.

"I'll love you from here to eternity, from now until forever, until the moon fades, until the stars burnout, I'll love you until the sun turns black."

She smiled and said "Well thats all I wanted to hear. Now get back in bed, I'm cold."

That was the first time either of us have slept comfortably in almost a year.

Day 365: The day the sun turned black.

She was right about the paint and the roses.
Then again, she always was right.

Day 57 December 30 2013: Sometimes

A sore can heal, a scar will fade,

a pain reveled, a memory made.

A friend is missed, a mood will swing,

an angry fist, a romantic fling.

A head in pain, an eye with tear,

a heart the same, a life with fear.

A love will die, a breath worth taking,

you will cry but sometimes,

your heart needs breaking.

Day 56 December 29 2013: Magnify

There he stood, over the bodies he burned so carelessly.
The charred remains of what used to be a husband, a wife, a child.
He stood over them with no remorse, with no sadness, with no guilt over the pain he caused.

And all this with a magnifying glass.

That child will be a killer someday, and everyone will say "They never saw it coming."

But God did and he did nothing to stop it.

Day 55 December 28 2013: Inside>Outside

I like what you did to your hair.
I love that new nail polish.
I enjoy your new clothes.
I agree those are some nice shoes.
I can't deny that you look good.

I just wish you'd swallow makeup to be pretty on the inside too.

Day 54 December 27 2013: Your words

She never had a problem telling me "Take out the trash."
She could always shout "Stop stealing all the blankets, I'm cold!"
She somehow got out "You seem to think everything is a joke don't you?"

But three words could never just go together for her.

I and Love and You.

Day 52 December 25 2013: Frozen

He looked out his frosted window at the frozen bay, he saw the bundled up souls rushing into the little cages they bought all lined up in a row, he saw the sun setting on the horizon, and then he saw his packed bag and knew it was time to leave.

Grabbing his duffle and making his way to the door, he picked up the picture that was face down one last time and told it the most solum of goodbyes. As he stared into the face that haunted his dreams and wouldn't leave his memories, he held back an ocean of tears bigger than the one that lay outside the frozen pane, while he held onto his frozen pain. He placed the picture face down and closed the door for the last time.

Braving the chilling air and being the only moving creature in the storm, he moved towards his boat. He threw his bag onto the vessel and as he set up for a voyage that he knew he wasn't returning from, there was a sweet relief he felt as the waves lapped against the sides of the ship, as the wind pushed against the mast waiting for the sheet to open up to take him on his last adventure. He drew the anchor like it was his last breath, heavy, slow, and mostly frozen.

As he pulled away from the harbor he saw the faces of the others in the windows of the cages they bought, observing him set off, they looked like ghosts watching the living walking away from a funeral. He turned his back on them as they once turned their backs on him, a weight was lifted by this simple gesture and he pulled the sail full to catch the breath of God to pull him to heaven.

The further the shore got the further from her he was, with every inch he moved he knew that was an inch closer to rest and further from the nightmares, every wave he over took was a memory that was forgotten, lost to the ocean.

As the sun pushed its last light over the endless ocean he stood at the bow of the ship and could finally breath easy, he had a few breaths left before his lungs became to cold to intake his precious oxygen.

With his last words he uttered "I loved you with everything that I was, with everything that I became, and with everything that you threw away, more than you could imagine, and more than God could dream of."

And with that he sailed off into the night to become what he already was, frozen.

How inappropriate to call this planet Earth
when it is quite clearly Ocean.
Arthur C. Clarke 

Day 53 December 26th 2013: Hush

There's beauty in the moments where you don't speak,
The silence between each word is something I long for,
The quietness between each sentence you say,
The hush between your phrases.

I live for that moment.

For in that silence I find you more beautiful than you'll know.