Day 127 March 10 2014: I hate cliches/My buried heart

"Everything happens for a reason." How much I fucking hate that saying, I tried to use it to justify why I sit here alone at night, why I don't wake up to your scent on my shoulder, why I don't find your hair in the shower, and why I am eating dinner alone.

"The Lord works in mysterious ways." That saying can eat a dick. I sat there looking at you in that box and that asshole on that cross in the same view, he did nothing to help you, he works in no ways, he has no hand in what happens, if he didn't die that day so long ago I'd kill him myself if given the chance. If it'd bring you back.

"She's in a better place now." Fuck you. She's not here, she's not with me, she's gone and I'm here alone surrounded by assholes. You are an asshole, you're better place can piss off. The best place she could be is here with me.

"She's at peace, she's home now." Say another word and we'll be at war. She was peaceful with me, you don't know shit about anything, she was happy with me, she was at home with me, she was everything to me. I'm nothing without her.

"I'll pray for you." I don't think talking to yourself is gonna make me feel better, but sure, if you wanna try then go ahead. I hope it's your last breath. I don't need to fucking hear about it because I don't care. Maybe you should've prayed harder earlier when it mattered, why do you think now it will make a difference?

"You'll see her again someday." No I won't, I will only see her in my dreams and memories, those will fade over time. I'll forget how she smelled, forget how she laughed, forget how she smiled, forget how she snored, forget how she felt, and I'll forget her. I'm so scared I'm gonna lose her a second time. The first one was hard enough.

I went through life not knowing what real happiness was until I found you, now I know what the deepest sadness feels like. I buried my heart with you that day and I don't know if anyone can live without a heart.
Fuck I miss you and I'd give anything to get you back, I don't think heaven exists but if it did you'd be there because you're an angel.
All I know is now that you're gone and I'm stuck living in hell and all the demons do is sling crappy cliches at me with well wishes attached to them.

Each beat of my heart hurts more than the last.
I wish it stopped beating when yours did.

Day 126 March 9 2014: Promises

I don't know if anyone else has noticed that I never say "I promise" at all anymore.

I made a promise one time and I never came through with it, he'll never know I didn't come through with it, but I know. Or at least I can't forget.

I'll never make a promise again because I can't promise I'll keep it.

I'll say "I'll try my best" or "I'll see what I can do" but I'll never make another promise.
I didn't only break my word but I broke my heart at the same time.
I just wish I could have been there when I promised I would've been and not just there when I got to see his box showered with dirt.

I promise I won't ever allow that to happen again.

Day 125 March 8 2014: Excerpt one: Notes from the past: How I killed my future self

...Time travel is a funny thing really, looking back on it I never thought I'd change my future in order to have better memories. It's strange how looking back over what I've forgotten and how it all becomes foggy once I change something is odd, I'm sure I lived that life once before and I remember it, but I guess it was just series of options I selected, a check in the box, one line followed on the flowchart of time, well the time of my life that is.
I bet you're wondering who I am, well I used to be you, or what you could have been, maybe you will be, I don't really know for sure anymore. I fucked up this timeline something awful kid.
Hope you're ready for a wild story filled with your own forgotten recollections that you'll live and then unlive when the time comes to pass, and be erased I suppose.

It all started when I helped invent time travel, I just finished correcting Hawking on the mistake he made trying to correct Einstein on the mistake he made on...well you get the point, both of them were wrong but who am I to judge, I end up making even bigger mistakes, but I guess I'm getting ahead of myself, or behind I suppose. Fuck time travel will give you one splitting headache. Thats one thing that never finds a cure, your fucking head will always hurt, it never goes away.

You're smart, don't let it go to your head, she didn't like that the first or second time. You'll learn come around the third time, I'm trying to save you all the damn jumping around boy. Time is a essentially a frozen river and what you'll end up doing is punching holes in ice and fishing out cold dreams, no one ever really is awake, they are just sleep walking and you're screaming to be awoken. Shit. I sound like a crazy old bat trying to explain how time space works. It's all infinite individualities, absolutely everything thing is possible. I wish I would have seen it sooner but I didn't go back in time to write myself to let me know what I was gonna do, I know I'll say this and I know you won't listen, because I remember standing there in those fucking stupid ass clothes, that ridiculous jacket, beat up shoes, and with that crappy haircut thinking the same thing you're thinking, "This old fucks a quack, what does he know." I'm you, I know you wont listen till its too late and then shit's gonna change because you'll change it.
Hell I don't even know if you'll come back this far, changing one thing has changed everything.

I just know it is the strangest feeling to looking your own eyes and not recognized yourself.
I hope that doesn't happen to you this time kid.

Hey you, this is me, I'm hoping I can change my past and fix your future, but please, you need to listen to what I'm gonna tell you, because time waits for no man...