Day 135 March 19 2014: I'm right

I was wrong yesterday.
I'm wrong today.
I'll be wrong tomorrow.
I'm in trouble for writing this.

Having a better half can be fun sometimes.


Don't tell her I said this...but after she left, I was right.

Maybe I'll just try to write instead of being right.

Wordplay is my forte, swordplay might be hers...I best be careful.

Day 134 March 18 2014: Reincarnation

I've met you before, I know your touch, I know your scent, I know your taste.
I've felt this way memories ago.
I have known you before I met you this time.

I loved you before I knew you, I cared about you long before I laid eyes on you, I longed for you long before I heard your voice.
I wanted you before I stole your wine...and then your heart.

There is subtlety in finding someone you love, there is a beauty in finding someone who makes you realize you never really loved before, and there is amazement in knowing no matter what, you'll find them.

I've known you before and my heart will never settle for less.
I'm so happy I found you again.
This time it only took twenty seven years.

I hope next time it takes less.

I'll find you every time.

Day 133 March 17 2014: Two glasses

I heard an explosion pop just up the road.
I was falling back into nightmares, don't let me fall back into that.
I have scars that trap those fears in my skin and I drink to keep them held within myself.
I'm back to soft skin and warm touches, smooth hair, sweet scents keeping me stateside and keeping me calm.
How I longed for this more than you'll ever know.

I'm leaving the rest behind, something I don't bring up, something I can't forget but don't talk about, something that is in my past but wants to be forgotten.

You are why I wanted to come home, they are why I needed to stay.

How hard it is to forget the worst times with your best friends, how hard it is to forget something so awful with friends so grand.

I'll spend forever in this paradigm, trapped in the in between.

The in between is where I lost myself, I guess it's where you found me too.

The worst part is I fill two glasses but only one gets drank.

I pour two glasses and I wish I didn't have to drink both.
I'll always miss you bro.

Day 132 March 16 2014: Faceless enemies

No one wins a war against a faceless enemy...maybe that's why some people take themselves out of the fight.

If you're still fighting after the shots have ended, after the smoke has cleared, after the wounded have been taken away, and after the dead have been mourned...I'll be right next to you fighting those demons away.

Don't take yourself out of the fight, don't think you're fighting alone, don't let the faceless enemy win.
Let me fight with you, we wont let you take another life, I'll make sure we save yours.

Don't let a war over an ocean become a battle at home.
Don't survive a firefight to lose yourself by the fireside.
Don't give up.
Don't quit fighting.

Don't become a statistic.

Enemies, Faceless enemies.
You can't see when fighting faceless enemies, because you don't know who to trust and you don't know who to kill.
You don't know who to shoot and who is shooting.

You just hope you pull that trigger first.

Day 131 March 15 2014: Sleep keeps me sane...sorta

I woke up and felt this heavy feeling on my chest like a elephant was standing on me, like a shot of morphine got put in my veins faster than it should have been.
I felt memories fading from what seemed realistic and slipping into a distant dream like something I hadn't really lived but maybe just something I've forgotten. That makes no sense but it is how I felt.
I could hear screams and laughter moving away from my ears, fading in a sad and pleasurable doppler effect but I wish it would end or get louder, I'm not sure which would be better.

I moved rapidly across the bed yelling something about nothing outloud for only me to hear, she moved and told me to calm down. How could I be calm? I had no idea who or what I was, what year it was, who killed who, where did I find the courage to go on, and when the fuck did I get in pajamas?

I laid back down and held her close. Who is she?

I feel like I'm living different lives everyday and when I fall asleep I wake up as someone else in a bed next to a stranger I've known for years with memories I have yet to remember of things I've never done before. Shit that sounds strange.

I'll keep writing it here in my logbook among the stars because everytime I step out into the cosmos it's a different trip and who knows when I'm coming back home...I wonder where home really is. I wonder if I'm just dreaming up this whole thing, maybe I'm just sleeping and when I wake up I'll be someone else.
I feel like that wouldn't change much, I don't even know who I am right now.

Fuck...I think I'll just go back to sleep.

I fall asleep to escape
but what if reality is the escape
 from my dreams?

Day 130 March 14 2014: Two flags

I stood there by myself, well, I guess I wasn't really alone, I was surrounded by my friends....just none of them knew I was there and I couldn't see any of them anymore.
I could hear the wind rush by and felt it touch my face, It wasn't as hot as it was when I last felt it touch my face, when it touched their faces, but that stinging cold it left on my face was kinda perfect in this moment.
I stood there with a backpack full of flags and mementos, I kept them all for my heros that no one remembers and yet everyone thanks me for being one...fuck that is annoying.
It means more today than any day but I know no one here will know it, but they all would be right there to high five us and tell us how glad they were for us.
I recall how much each person meant to me and how they saved me from being here with them, but one stood out more than the others, it hurt most to place both flags there for him.

I put one there to remember him as a hero for this country, it was the flag they buried him in.
I put one there to remember him as how I loved him, it is what they condemned him with.

Love is love is love.

I never loved a man more than I loved him and I'll never be able love anyone like that again, at least now I get the right to try.

"When I was in the military
they gave me a medal for killing two men
and discharged me for loving one."

Day 96: My empty garden

I can't touch the scars you have brother, they are hidden so no one sees them,
I can't see the pain you're covering up, you try to hide it but it's breaking through man.
I hate watching you self destruct, it's like watching someone drown themselves.
You aren't weak when you ask for help.

I wish you would've opened up more, I wish I would've listened to you,
You should've asked me for help, you should've said something.
There's a plot of ground I hate going to see, there is a piece of stone I can't stand looking at.
I've never found cemeteries inviting.

I don't know what was going on in your head, I just wish I was able to solve your problems,
They seemed to be piling up on you, and you looked crushed by them.
Depression is a silent killer to everyone else, but it was so loud to you.
I'm sorry your mind was screaming at you and you just stayed silent.

I feel like I'm missing the biggest piece to the puzzle of my life now, rest easy brother,
I'm glad you are no longer in pain, I just wish I knew that you were hurting.

My garden of friends is missing the brightest flower

Day 129 March 12 2014: Something I've always felt...

As we laid there she asked me, "Why do you love me?"
"I don't know, I just do."
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"I don't know, there are many things I love about you but I don't know why I love you, I just do."
Her face wrinkled and was upset by my answer so I had to try to explain.
"I love so many things about you and I find more fun and new things everyday to love about you but I don't know why I love you, I just do. I think I always have, like it was something that I've always felt but I didn't know what it was till I met you. The second our lives merged I knew I loved you and I knew that I always have. That won't ever change, I'll always love you, I always have and I can't lose something I've always felt even when I didn't know what it was and now that I know that it's love, I know I'll love you for always."
"Good answer...and that's why I love you!"
"That's the only reason?"
She smiled a half smile, her eyes looked at me and said proudly, "...and you rub my feet, if that's not love I don't know what is!"

I always felt something for her even before I met her, I can't explain it and I know that everyday that feeling gets bigger and better.

Love is something that happens, you can't choose who you love but you can choose how you let them know.

Make sure you let them know.

Day 128 March 11 2014: For now and always.

You may not know this now, if not, then you never will.
I find beauty in your flaws, I find grace in your clumsy footsteps,
I find an elegance when you mumble, and I find myself with you.

I find peace in your anger and hope in your loss,
I find greatness in your failures, I find strength in your weakness
I find joy in your tears and I find myself in you.

I've lost myself once before but I never thought I'd found myself in someone else,
Every little bit of you, both good and bad, I find more and more of me in,
I want more of me in more of you, heart, soul, and body.

I never want you to feel lonely, for as long as I love you, you'll never be alone.
I will love you forever and for always.

Day 127 March 10 2014: I hate cliches/My buried heart

"Everything happens for a reason." How much I fucking hate that saying, I tried to use it to justify why I sit here alone at night, why I don't wake up to your scent on my shoulder, why I don't find your hair in the shower, and why I am eating dinner alone.

"The Lord works in mysterious ways." That saying can eat a dick. I sat there looking at you in that box and that asshole on that cross in the same view, he did nothing to help you, he works in no ways, he has no hand in what happens, if he didn't die that day so long ago I'd kill him myself if given the chance. If it'd bring you back.

"She's in a better place now." Fuck you. She's not here, she's not with me, she's gone and I'm here alone surrounded by assholes. You are an asshole, you're better place can piss off. The best place she could be is here with me.

"She's at peace, she's home now." Say another word and we'll be at war. She was peaceful with me, you don't know shit about anything, she was happy with me, she was at home with me, she was everything to me. I'm nothing without her.

"I'll pray for you." I don't think talking to yourself is gonna make me feel better, but sure, if you wanna try then go ahead. I hope it's your last breath. I don't need to fucking hear about it because I don't care. Maybe you should've prayed harder earlier when it mattered, why do you think now it will make a difference?

"You'll see her again someday." No I won't, I will only see her in my dreams and memories, those will fade over time. I'll forget how she smelled, forget how she laughed, forget how she smiled, forget how she snored, forget how she felt, and I'll forget her. I'm so scared I'm gonna lose her a second time. The first one was hard enough.

I went through life not knowing what real happiness was until I found you, now I know what the deepest sadness feels like. I buried my heart with you that day and I don't know if anyone can live without a heart.
Fuck I miss you and I'd give anything to get you back, I don't think heaven exists but if it did you'd be there because you're an angel.
All I know is now that you're gone and I'm stuck living in hell and all the demons do is sling crappy cliches at me with well wishes attached to them.

Each beat of my heart hurts more than the last.
I wish it stopped beating when yours did.

Day 126 March 9 2014: Promises

I don't know if anyone else has noticed that I never say "I promise" at all anymore.

I made a promise one time and I never came through with it, he'll never know I didn't come through with it, but I know. Or at least I can't forget.

I'll never make a promise again because I can't promise I'll keep it.

I'll say "I'll try my best" or "I'll see what I can do" but I'll never make another promise.
I didn't only break my word but I broke my heart at the same time.
I just wish I could have been there when I promised I would've been and not just there when I got to see his box showered with dirt.

I promise I won't ever allow that to happen again.

Day 125 March 8 2014: Excerpt one: Notes from the past: How I killed my future self

...Time travel is a funny thing really, looking back on it I never thought I'd change my future in order to have better memories. It's strange how looking back over what I've forgotten and how it all becomes foggy once I change something is odd, I'm sure I lived that life once before and I remember it, but I guess it was just series of options I selected, a check in the box, one line followed on the flowchart of time, well the time of my life that is.
I bet you're wondering who I am, well I used to be you, or what you could have been, maybe you will be, I don't really know for sure anymore. I fucked up this timeline something awful kid.
Hope you're ready for a wild story filled with your own forgotten recollections that you'll live and then unlive when the time comes to pass, and be erased I suppose.

It all started when I helped invent time travel, I just finished correcting Hawking on the mistake he made trying to correct Einstein on the mistake he made on...well you get the point, both of them were wrong but who am I to judge, I end up making even bigger mistakes, but I guess I'm getting ahead of myself, or behind I suppose. Fuck time travel will give you one splitting headache. Thats one thing that never finds a cure, your fucking head will always hurt, it never goes away.

You're smart, don't let it go to your head, she didn't like that the first or second time. You'll learn come around the third time, I'm trying to save you all the damn jumping around boy. Time is a essentially a frozen river and what you'll end up doing is punching holes in ice and fishing out cold dreams, no one ever really is awake, they are just sleep walking and you're screaming to be awoken. Shit. I sound like a crazy old bat trying to explain how time space works. It's all infinite individualities, absolutely everything thing is possible. I wish I would have seen it sooner but I didn't go back in time to write myself to let me know what I was gonna do, I know I'll say this and I know you won't listen, because I remember standing there in those fucking stupid ass clothes, that ridiculous jacket, beat up shoes, and with that crappy haircut thinking the same thing you're thinking, "This old fucks a quack, what does he know." I'm you, I know you wont listen till its too late and then shit's gonna change because you'll change it.
Hell I don't even know if you'll come back this far, changing one thing has changed everything.

I just know it is the strangest feeling to looking your own eyes and not recognized yourself.
I hope that doesn't happen to you this time kid.

Hey you, this is me, I'm hoping I can change my past and fix your future, but please, you need to listen to what I'm gonna tell you, because time waits for no man...

Day 124 March 7 2014: I want you

I want warm hearts to heat cold rooms,
I want warm kisses on cold skin,
I want hot coffee on cold mornings,
I want cold hands on hot days,
I want little whispers on big events,
I want small tickles on silent nights,
I want noisy moans on big thrusts,
I want quiet whispers and loud smiles,
I want fast beats with our chest pressed together,
I want you, I want you, I want you.

I want you and I want everything that you want.

I want you and I want you to want me.

I want you.

Day 123 March 6 2014: Love is...

Love is fixing a flat tire in the rain on your lunch break, it's never going to bed angry or saying "I hate you," it is staying up all night because you wanna know if they made it safe.
Love can be a chore.

Love is slamming doors but never bodies, raising voices but never hands, hitting end call but never each other, it is a constant battle but a winning war.
Love can be a strain.

Love is dancing in an empty room with no music, it's fidgeting hands watching a movie on mute, it is quiet giggles, silent stares, and whispers of "I love you."
Love can be so noisy.

Love is crying because you lost someone, it is crying because you found someone, it is crying even harder because someone found you, it is full of tears just waiting for someone to dry.
Love can make you cry.

Love is breaking bank accounts to make someone happy, its tearing apart a garden to present a bouquet, it is ripping apart clothing to feel the skin underneath.
Love can be destructive.

Love is a force that pulls us, binds us, confines us, grips us, rips us, tears us, and shares us.
Love can be constrictive.

Falling in love is something we all do, even if you consider yourself the most grounded person, someday you'll fall. It's a force that stops you in your tracks, knocks you off your feet, steals the wind from your lungs, and you pray that someone is waiting for you at the bottom of that drop.
Some of us get lucky, but some of us are never lucky enough to know what falling feels like.

I love love, but I'd love it more if you'd meet me at the bottom.

"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love." - Albert Einstein

Day 122 March 5 2014: Dreams

I once was a zebra and I danced in the forest, I could throw up cats and pull fish out of my ears.

I once flew through China and I wrestled a bear, I farted out a rainbow and could skate on clouds.

I could spit fire and shoot lightning from my nipples, I danced on the sun and slept on the moon.

I had a talking dog and was eighty feet tall, I had basketballs for feet and could sing showtunes.

I cursed out a dragon and played cards with an octopus in a suit while watching cartoons.

This is why I sleep, this is why I love to dream.

I carried a car with one hand and had forty five fingers, I ate a shoe and had apples for eyes.

I could speak latin and I could breathe underwater, I lived in a book and had blue skin.

I flew a rocketship and did magic, I could shape shift and became part lion.

I rode a horse and fought a goblin, I traveled across space and I punched evil chickens.

I once danced with a donkey who wore a red dress and called me Simon.

This is why I sleep, this is why I dream.

I'd dream about you but I couldn't think of something that fantastic, I'll stick with my disco dancing oranges and let my real life be more amazing than anything I could dream up.

You're a dream I want to wake up and enjoy.

Day 121 March 4 2014: Me and my other half/Schizophrenia is killing us

I sat there looking at my mismatched socks, crumpled up jeans, empty pizza box, and vomit that streamed across the floor thinking outloud to myself, "This Is why no one takes you seriously, you fuck." Words like that, even from yourself hurt when they hit your ears.
I had already drank half that bottle and the other half looked more tempting than the first, "I bet I could drown myself and still swim in happiness" I spoke this allowed though no one but me was there hear it, so I decided to argue with myself.
"You're a cunt and you'll always be a cunt."
"Well you're a drunk and you'll always be a drunk looking for your next depressant."
"I've never liked you, you were always the worst part of me."
"You my dearest friend, have been the worst part of me, why do you think I tried to cut you out?"
"Let us not bring that up, scars are enough reminders."
"Eat my asshole you fucker!"
"Oh is that how it's gonna be you cock-bag?"
"Fuck you Clementine! You were the stupid piece of shit that likes to get drunk and start fights and I'm the one left to finish them, don't you tell me about scars you fuck hole! I got this one above our eye to remind me that your fucking stupid!"
"Alright, alright but, it was still pretty funny to see that little bitch of a man cry when you kick him right?"
We both laughed from the same lungs and mouth.
"Ha I forgot about that, he was a dreadful little shit wasn't he? I bet his father never loved him."
Half of me stopped laughing
"Why do you say shit like that?"
"Better question is why do you say shit like that?"

I fucking hate talking to mirrors, they say what you won't say and you see what you don't like to look at, my reflection has always been someone I've hated, it's always been something I've never wanted to see.

This is my life, well I guess this is our life, we just both live in the same body.

I guess the Angels on my shoulders aren't as loud as those damn demons inside my fucking head.

Day 120 March 3 2014: One way flight

We all got back to the base later than planned, IED's have a way of delaying convoys like that. We sat there on the tarmac just waiting, hoping, and praying that the big steel beast would show up to take us home. It had been too long since I've seen a good pair of tits and some cold beer. Everyone got to go home but there were more boxes full and less seats filled than when we started this trip through hell. I kept looking at my watch, "Fuck man it's already been six hours how much longer do we have to wait?"
"Shut the fuck up and wait, it will be here when it gets here. You wanna police call till then? Or maybe we should extend you?"
"No Staff Sergeant."
"Good, then shut the fuck up and wait."

Fucking Staff Sergeant, always busting someones balls.

We started this trip on a plane and I guess thats how we end it, looking out the windows after we pulled away from the place we called hell (or home, depends on how you look at it) for almost a year feels strange. I remember looking out the window and thinking, 'Why the fuck would anyone wanna live here? Look at all that space and to think I walked around most of it...Seriously though...why would you live here?' but I remembered I lived in the desert too, and I volunteered to do it. Fucking crazy huh?

Making the transition back is something you can't explain, but I'll try. Its like getting in a fight with ten people and then trying to bring your adrenaline down to play with a small child.  It's you destroying and straining your body for months on end and keeping it going with energy drinks, dip, cigarettes, and then coming home to run a marathon.
Transitioning back is something I hate almost as much as the reason I need to do it.

"You gotta take this stress test and some other whatnot for your grapes! Don't take it lightly and don't fuck it up! Okay Johnson?!"
"Yes Staff Sergeant!"
"Good, I want the only mistake I see today to be your face, anything else will just piss me off more. Now go sit down and be quite."

Micro management was perfected while management was destroyed, all by the Marines.
In a day you can see a task change hands multiple times and each time is a different way to implement the "plan of action", all while confusing and pissing off the ones performing that plan.


"Click this button, write this word, sign this line," and all of it saying I won't get mad at the people that sent me to war so they didn't have to go. Old men always send off the young boys, I'm just making it so I can't sue them for when I punch some punk in the face for calling me a baby killer. Being spit on and cursed at by people hurts, but having that happen and your friends aren't there with you makes it hurt worse.

The worst part about coming back was the fucking formations, funerals and goddamn parades. I don't wanna sit on a stupid float covered in these bullshit flags with assholes who say "thank you" like a fucking broken record on repeat and I can't find the off switch. I hated getting dressed up to wish my friends goodbye, I'd rather crack a beer and laugh at the memories of the stupid shit we did.

I don't know what I miss more, being normal or trudging through a wasteland with the most professional assholes I've ever know.

Some people say they know what a real sacrifice is, they are liars.
You'll never know true sacrifice until you sit next to an empty seat that feels like a ghost is sitting next to you.

I guess for some of us it was really just a one way flight.

Day 119 March 2 2014: My dearest Rose...

Can you smell the roses? It's okay if you can't, they aren't the best smelling flower anyways.
I think they are beautiful because the petals rise above the thorns, that's kinda how you live life.
I bought them to show you I cared, I just wanted you to know I'm still there.
I see the grass got trimmed, can you tell my pants got hemmed?
I've gotten a little shorter as I've gotten older, I shiver more now because I'm always colder.
I thought I'd stop by to show you my haircut, you always liked it when I got it trimmed.
I wanna to drop off the flowers because I know you like them, maybe it's just me though.
I cleaned the house today and I found a bunch of love letters I wrote, it made me choke.
I forgot how sappy I used to be, why did you ever fall for me?
I always told goofy jokes and had corny lines, and you promised yourself to me for all time.
I'm a lucky guy I guess, you picked me above the rest, but now you rest in peace, and I can't even sleep.
I can't wait till I'm laying next to you again laying next to my best friend.
I guess I keep coming here because it's cheaper to talk to you than a quack, I miss talking to you everyday, I close my eyes and I drift away...I wish I could have you back.
Well I've spent enough time among the dead I guess I should get back to the living, I'll keep praying to be forgiven, so maybe I'll get to see you someday, but until then,
I'll keep bringing you roses.

See you tomorrow darling, you'll always be in my heart.

Flowers are amazing, no matter where they grow,
they always make it more beautiful.
She was a flower and she made my life beautiful.

Day 118 March 1 2014: Rhyme scheme/Where I find peace

Watching the sunrise and listening to you breathe is where I find peace.
Looking at a half awake grin come across your face when I say a few words is where I find peace.
Being told, "Don't talk, I haven't had coffee yet" is where I find peace.
Holding hands that are cold and seeking mine to warm them is where I find peace.
Funny toes tickling my own is where I find peace.
Open arms waiting for me to lay in them and breathe easy is where I find peace.
Little sleepy snores that slide across my chest and sink into my heart,
That is where I find peace.

I have no explanation, no classification, no invitation, because this acceleration and inflammation to my heart from the oxygenation with my infatuation of increased circulation and the culmination of the stimulation and rehabilitation of my belief in love with your donation and implantation of education and validation that with the right conversation and variation I could paint an illustration or a proclamation of my dedication to affirmation of my revelation that with relaxation and duration of the situation with the right presentation and a little intoxication will guide my fixation to the right elevation for the perfect observation of this creation with correct regulation I can have my prefered isolation from socialization and have visitation with with the foundation where I find salvation, illumination, determination, exaltation, vacation, and its where I find peace.

I find peace when I'm with you.

Day 117 February 28 2014: You're cheesy

Short smiles from a half crooked mouth stuffed in a pillow has never been so beautiful,
Little snores and breaths that echo across memories,
little bits of scent left on my shoulder and on my chest,
"I love the way your heart sounds in my ear, I can hear myself in it."

"I don't wanna sleep alone"
"As long as I'm in your heart you're never alone."

Snores ringing in my ear and little leg spasms move my sheets,
When you talk to me and I have nothing to say it's the best,
I enjoy being on the phone with nothing to say with someone than something to say to no one,
"It wasn't love at first sight but I knew at first sight I'd fall in love."

"I wanna wake up next to you when the sun comes up"
"I wanna be the sun in your sky"
"Jesus, you're cheesy"
"You can just call me Jon, You don't have to call me Jesus."

I've never been good with girls but thank goodness women like me, or at least one of them.

Day 116 February 27 2014: I've told you already

She told me to read her mind,
I told her if her mind was a book I'd never put it down.

She told me I was crazy,
I told her I was crazy for her.

She told me to tell her something beautiful,
I'd told her her first name.

She told me to tell her a story,
I told her I'd write her into mine.

She told me to make her fall in love,
I told her I'd catch her at the bottom.

Love is something two people do together and I'm looking forward to doing it with you.

I've told you this already....and I'll tell you for the rest of forever.

Day 115 February 26 2014: My Angel, Her Devil

I've never met a more beautiful creature
She crawled in my heart and mended my torn ventricles
I watched her rend and repaired my broken pieces into a completed puzzle
I witnessed as she put what was missing from my image into the empty picture frame.

She captured me like no photograph could
She released me from my prison only for me to fall captive to her touch
Her breath made me feel at ease
Her touch made me relax
I need more of her.

I've never met anything or anyone one like her
Every imperfection more perfect than the last
An Angel bestowed to earth and I was lucky to be graced with her presence and held underneath her wing.

I'm not spiritual but I would be if it meant an afterlife with her,
Because one lifetime isn't enough to enjoy the love she has to give.

She didn't have a halo or wings, but I knew she was an Angel the second I felt her look into my heart through my eyes. I felt my heart being put back together.

She is my Angel and I am her Devil.

Day 114 February 25 2014: No good deed

I Stopped to smell the roses and my nose gets pricked by a thorn, pleasure always comes with pain.

I donated to charity to help feed the homeless, I shouldn't have used my rent money.

I pushed a small child on a swing and heard them laugh, their mother is pressing charges.

I helped an elderly lady cross the street, my nickname is now "GILF lover."

I held the door open for a woman,  forty-eight more people helped themselves.

I decided I'd pay for the person behind me in the grocery store, she bought over six hundred dollars of food.

I gave you the shirt off my back, forecast is calling for acid rain.

I loved you with the depth that any ocean would be jealous of, and you left me to drown.

"No good deed goes unpunished."
 - Oscar Wilde

Day 113 February 24 2014: Devils reflection

I was driving down the road on my way home when I saw her pulled off the road and I pulled up and she was stuck in the snow, that is when I heard him whisper from the back seat

"She won't be missed."

"Don't do it, don't you do this one."

"Shut up you weak bitch! I won't do anything, you will. Do you wanna go another two years without it?! Just go do it!"

"Stop! Just stop! You're not the boss of me!"

"Oh...but I am" he said like a snake in my ear "Now get out and go fucking do it boy."

I pulled my car over and I reluctantly put it in park and got out of the seat, I didn't want this but it has been so long, what else could I do? Maybe I could just help get her unstuck.

*Knock knock* my knuckles tapped on her window startling her a bit

"Ma'am are you okay? Do you need help?"

"No I'm fine" she spoke as she barely cracked the window "My husband will be here soon, I don't think it's stuck bad but I'll just wait for him thank you" and back up the small clear barrier went.
That bitch wouldn't roll down the window all the way for me?

She wouldn't see me coming in this snow, no, she wouldn't see US in this blizzard.

Getting back in my car I put on my seatbelt and go to turn the key

"She's perfect, she'll be easy for you! Good thing I've been pushing you to lift so much lately right?"

"Hush asshole, I'm figuring things out."

"What is there to figure out? Grab the hammer, smash out the window, kill her or take her home to kill her, how hard is that you fucking retard?!"

"Get out of my head, I need to think this through!"

"Out of your head, that's a fucking laugh, we are one no matter if you like it or not...I'm a part of you and I like to think the best part of..."

"Please just stop talking and I'll do it."
"Fine Shakespeare, let me see poetry in motion. Dazzle me."

I grabbed the hammer from the passenger seat, it was brand new, even had the sticker on it from the home store I just bought it from that day. It's like I knew she would be here.

I opened my door and swallowed the lump in my throat trying to scream out "RUN!" but I just pushed it down inside my chest.

"Go...bitch." came from the backseat.

Slamming doors on people that don't exist is not very satisfying.

I sprinted for the car and I could feel my eyes turning black.

I slammed the car with my body and took to smashing the clear glass window like it was nothing and she was screaming so loud. I find county roads are good for spotting deer and committing murders, I didn't see one deer on the way out either.

Pulling myself through the broken window and grabbing that poor girl by the hair hurt so much inside but I just screamed out, "COME HERE BITCH!" and proceeded to cave in her skull with the brand new hammer. Once she stopped kicking me and trying to keep living it became much easier to swing that hammer.

It was a shame really, so pretty, so vibrant, so young, such a nice frame, light weight, and so worth every penny. All that money spent on a new hammer when I had a perfectly good one sitting at home. I hate getting new tools dirty.

As I pulled her body to my car I looked back at the trail of blood and compacted snow, warm blood and cold snow make for a very picturesque setting, I bet Ansel Adams would be so jealous of what I'm looking at now, well he would be if he was crazy.

"Now why won't my fucking car start?"
"Guess you'll just have to burn it."
I suppose he's right.

Great now I gotta drag this dead bitch back to her fucking messy car and she doesn't even have a tape player for my XTC cassette? What a shit night this is turning out to be.

"See I told you this was a bad idea. I won't be able to listen to my tape."

"Shut up you little bitch, didn't it feel good seeing her face full of fear? Didn't you get a rush the second your arm felt the vibration of that hammer connecting with bone? And you wanna crying over your pussy-ass XTC tape?"

I blushed.

"Yeah I fucking thought so, now move her and we'll figure it out as we go."

This is why I hated this prick. He is always fucking right.

Throwing her bleeding corpse into her trunk wasn't easy, I had to break her left leg with my dirty hammer to get her to fit in the little piece of shit trunk, but I made it work by cracking her shin in half  with a few swift blows and just slightly breaking her ankle, I tossed snow onto the car and rubbed it on the paint to get the blood off. I couldn't risked getting pulled over and having to kill another cop again because last time that was a nightmare.
I pushed the car out of the little ditch it was in and hopped inside.

I started the car and some shitty pop music or what people call music theses started playing so I turned that shit off and took off into the snow.
"When did music become so plastic?"
"I don't like plastic music, I like plastic wrap."
"Do you ever stop?"
Wipers on and off we go.
As I drove past my burning car I paused for a second and thought of all the death that machine has seen, only seems fitting to burn the instruments of evil. Guess I know how it's gonna end.

"No music huh? It's okay I'll commentate from the back seat. 'Dead girl with bashed in skull and broken leg lays in trunk while psychopath drives off in victims shitty car with an imaginary friend in the backsea...'"

"Seriously do you ever shut up?! All you do is talk about murder and how great blood smells and just annoy the shi..."

"Don't forget...I'm part of you. The best part in fact, the strong part, the smart part, you'd be a little whiny bitch if it wasn't for me. Don't you ever forget that."

That is when I looked in the mirror and saw no one in the back seat, I turned the mirror to myself for a moment and saw a devils reflection. This is why I broke all the mirrors in my house.

This is why I broke all those fucking mirrors.

"My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone.
In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others.
I want no one to escape."
- Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman from American Psycho.