Day 138 March 22 2014: Excerpt number four from: Diary of a deadman; the suicide not of Wesley Banners

"...I feel like Bukowski every time I shut my mouth and open my ears to my own thoughts. I feel like a fossil trapped in meat, like I'm buried above the ground in a tomb made of flesh, like I'm just waiting for my funeral to see who pretends they loved me.
Makes sense since I'm pretending I love them now.

God I'm such an asshole.

I wonder if you will miss me when I'm gone Mabel or if you'll just be happy I'm not making you upset anymore.
You used to have faith in me.

I just wish I had the faith in me that you did, or any faith at all for that matter.
I guess taking your own life is kinda like telling God you quit before he can fire you.

Not that I listened to him anyways.

I never loved me like you did, I think that's why I couldn't love you back the way you deserved.

I'm sorry Mabel.
I'm so terribly sorry."