Day 112 February 23 2014: Another round...

My bones are breaking out of my skin, so little so I can't hold them in
I'm a GIANT trapped inside a small shell, an angel caged in a personal hell.
I drink to sleep and wake to drink, my mind is always running but I can never think
Times are old and yet times they change, why must I be so strange?


I am a moon and my dark side remains hidden.

I wanna be a good liver...not have one.

Day 111 February 22 2014: Permanently imprinted

The gaps in my timeline are the spaces I left to fill with the memories we can make.
The morning coffee tastes best when it's shared.
The beauty of your eyes need to see the beauty reflected in mine.
The cold nights need to be warmer by two bodies instead of one.
The warmth of your face needs to feel the beat of my heart as it lays on my chest.
The cold of your feet need to tickle the warmth of mine.
The spaces between my fingers need to be filled.
The scent of you needs to be permanently imprinted on my pillows, clothes, bed, and memory.

The person you label as your first love never really is, the one who really is makes you realize you put that title on the wrong person.

My first love will be my last love, my last love will be my lasting love.

Day 110 February 21 2014: Love from Jason

Dear diary, Today was a good day.

The fire was burning and I sat next to it trying to get warm, the moon light up the sky and everything below it so I could see clearly over the lake. I sat there listening to the logs crack and pop as they charred in the flame, I could hear little crickets rubbing there legs together like a violinist playing just for me, I smelled the smoke and tasted the air. Tonight would be a good night.

I sat on the stump I turned into a chair and thought of my mother, how sweet she was when I was younger, how she pushed me to be better at everything I do, how much she cared for me when others didn't. She was really one of a kind.
I just ate my dinner which was something I found in the forest and promptly cooked up over my open fire pit, I was happy I knew how to do that. So many kids these days don't know how to make a good meal out of something you find just hanging out in the woods. I like hunting everything.

As I laid on my sleeping mat looking up at the burning balls of gas millions and billions of miles away I thought to myself about what I could've been in life, maybe I could've been a big shot CEO or maybe a professional football player, but then again those were never for me. I laid there with no blanket but I basked in the light that was reflecting off that lovely moon. My beautiful Bella Luna.

I tried to get some sleep because I had to be up soon, being me is hard work and I'm not much for running around. The only thing that ever was running was my mind, not even my mouth would ever be running. I hate running, I find it pointless.

When I awoke from my little nap I brushed my eyes, grabbed my mask, grab my tool, and headed off to do what I do best, time to kill some campers.

Until next time diary, Jason Voorhees will remain forever looking to my Bella Luna.

"Killing time" can have two meanings.

Day 109 February 20 2014: Skipped beats

Life is measured in heart beats.

The moments where your heart skips beats are the most precious times.

Thanks for making mine skip a few.

Day 108 February 19 2014: My comforter

My bed still smells like you.
I keep finding your hair all over the place.
I  sleep on my side waiting to wake with you on yours, my dreams should be reality.
The spot on my bathroom countertop where your toothbrush sit now lays empty.
I hate washing only one wine glass.
I wanna light my candles, but you're the only flame I care about.
I don't wanna fold my own laundry.
I dislike waking up alone.
There is a comfort that comes from you, my blanket does no good.
I sleep more soundly with you.
My brain relaxes while my heart goes crazy.
You can make my heart beat fast, you can also make it skip beats too.

I like the way you smell.
You are my real comforter and I wanna wrap myself up in you.

Day 107 February 18 2014: Goodbyes last forever...

I stood behind the silence of the curtain, all those tears that hit the floor echoed louder than a shotgun in a closed room. I smelled the scent of anesthetic and sadness as it lingered in the air, it was so thick you could chew though it.

We stood there watching you die, we all just stood there watching every bit of life drain from you.

I could smell the death hanging over the room, it smelled like old burritos and a depth of sadness felt from a one night stand.

"Hold my hand."

"I don't wanna let go when it's over."

I saw the light slip from the eyes that captivated mine more than anything I've even seen in my life.

I stood there watching you die and all I could do was hold a cold hand wrapped in a sad sweat.

I watch an IV drip slowly take you away from me, I stood there watching your face droop and listened to your speech slur as the LCD just took you further and further from me.

"She's slipping away sir, she's going to a better place."

I've never liked that saying.

That "Better place" is bullshit...nothing happens for a fucking reason.

I've always thought the best place you could be was in my arms.

God is cruel for taking you from my arms.

I stood waiting in a waiting room that felt like I was waiting for something I never wanted to wait for.

For fucks sake, who waits for this? I never once thought I'd be waiting for a burial right.

I heard the last breath draw from those lungs that once drew breath and spoke the words, "I love you."

Death comes in a whisper.

I heard that machine stop beeping and I stopped breathing.

You just left me.

You just left me.

You just left me.

You just left me.

I stood there silent and hands from people that weren't you tried to comfort me...I hated it.

I couldn't breath...I couldn't fucking breath.

I spent the last few days waiting for you to pass when I should've spent the last few years enjoying what we had. I'm sorry I didn't know better, I'm sorry I got so mad,

 I'm sorry I yelled at you, and I'm sorry I made you cry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you left and I never said goodbye...I wish I would've said goodbye.

Day 106 February 17 2014: Black, White, and read all over

Splitting things into a color coated categories and blubbering biased babeldom blaring out to the masses blaming others for your problems, it never solved anything.

Ignoring white privilege and placing poorly palliaments on a person and saying they have priority over people causing pantophobia only helps persist a problem, it never solved anything.

Seeing skin and saying sin is with him with the slightly sooted shade is more than slightly stupid, it never solved anything.

Lustfully looking to look like those that look like others and those literally give little love and only lending to loneliness, it never solved anything.

            "Bet they won't steal work boots."            "The white man is keeping us down."
                  "They all feel entitled."                                            "I am entitled."
                        "White power."                                                   "Black pride."
              "They are all fucking same."                           "They are all the fucking same."

Just because we look different doesn't mean we aren't the same, skin means nothing to what lies beneath it. Falling into the follies of previous generations generates gaps in our glorious groups.

I have never and will never understand why people associate with race, I only know of one race, the human race...everything else is just semantics to me.

The best pictures use many colors

Day 105 Febuary 16 2014: Start over

Let's start over, maybe our lines never crossed,
The stars never aligned, let's say we never met,
But once we both forget each other, I know we'll both be lost,
You are someone I want to remember, but there are somethings I want to forget.

Let's start over, let's forget we knew each other.

Let's start over, I'm erasing you from my brain,
I'm burning old pictures, I'm emptying my shoe box,
I'm clearing out my storage, washing you down the drain,
I'm deleting my memories, I wanna turn back all my clocks.

Let's start over, let's forget we knew each other.

I'm sorry I did what I did, I'm sorry I can't change the past,
I'm sorry I couldn't fix the future, I'm sorry we didn't last.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

I wish I could remember what I've forgotten.

"By morning you'll be gone."
Joel, Eternal Sunshine On The Spotless Mind

Day 104 February 15 2014: I remember

I stood there standing in the cold waiting for your car to show.

I remember watching my breath rise as the heat escaped my lungs and the snow melted in its wake, I remember being upset that you were late and I was shivering waiting for you to get there, I remember watching the wind blow the drift around and the moon lit up the sky, I remember everything from that night but I forgot to tell you I loved you when I hung up that phone.

I stood there just waiting.

I remember when I called you and it went to voice mail, I remember when I kept calling and kept getting more frustrated that you didn't pick up, I remember leaving angry messages to you, I remember yelling into my phone that "IT'S FREEZING OUTSIDE! HURRY YOUR ASS UP", I remember watching the few cars that went passed me and being upset it wasn't you, I remember everything from that night but I forgot to tell you I loved you when I hung up that phone.

I just stood there upset.

I remember when my phone rang and my fingers were too cold to work, I remember answering it all pissed off when I saw it was you, I remember yelling at your sister before she could say a word, I remember her crying in my ear and not making any sense, I remember what she said to me and how my heart sank, I remember how my ears stung more from those words than from the cold, I remember everything from that night but I forgot to tell you I loved you when I hung up that phone.

"She had a present for you in the car."

I remember running as fast as I could screaming at cars to pick me up, I remember crying the entire way to the hospital, I remember trying to call my mother on the way there, I remember getting in the doors and yelling to find you, I remember the nurses rushing me to that room, I remember running down hallway after hallway and it feeling like forever, I remember getting to the waiting room to see your entire family there just crying with each other, I remember the moment that I knew I'd never see you smile again, I remember everything from that night but I forgot to tell you I loved you when I hung up that phone.

I remember everything like it was yesterday.

I'll never forget to tell someone I love them because it might just be the last thing they get to hear.

Never will you feel more helpless than in a waiting room...

Day 103 February 14 2014: Maybe I'm not supposed to be saved

I'll never understand it no matter how much I try.

I've prayed, I've been baptized, I've asked to be spoken to, I read the entire book(s) multiple times front to back, I've fasted, I've been abstinent (well kinda), I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, I've cried out to the skies from the bottom of my heart to the top of my lungs, "IF YOU'RE OUT THERE I WANNA KNOW! SHOW YOURSELF TO ME! STOP BEING A FUCKING COWARD! I NEED TO SEE YOU!"
I've sat in churches, temples, synagogues, and mosques, I've done everything I can to find you and you still evade me.
I spent days praying and no one was listening to the babble that fell out of my mouth.

I'll never be a part of Islam/Christianity/Buddhism/Mormonism/Hinduism/Judaism/Zoroastrianism/Sikhism/Confucianism/Taoism/Jainism/Rastafarian/Baha'i/Shinto no matter what I do.

They all take faith and I have none left.
Why have faith in something that I can't believe in and has no faith in me?

I'm not good enough, I am evil, I can't do anything by myself, I was born to do bad things, I am a product of incest, I don't do anything good by myself, I have to be happy about human sacrifice, and I will die forever and ever because I lack what is needed to become immortal.

If I'm damned forever, I guess that is my own doing, my own curse, and my own fault for just not getting it or for just not being able to have faith.

I'll never understand it, I don't know how other people do, or maybe, I'm just not supposed to.

"The lord works in mysterious ways." - Worst fucking cop-out ever.

Day 102 February 13 2014: Not all nights

Fingers nails glide across sweaty backs faster than race cars around tracks while heart beats pound against chests pressed together,
Sheets pushed aside and blankets tossed to the floor and pillows don't mean comfort anymore they mean leverage,
Heat escalating and temperatures climbing higher and higher while the room remains chilly but the bed is on fire,
Legs tangled up like noodles in a dish all twisted together like puzzle pieces meant to be holding each other,
Arms moving up and down finding and exploring every inch of the other like an adventurer on a new voyage to discover an uncharted happiness.

Legs shaking, voices trembling, sheets stained, windows steamed.

Not all nights are spent like this but more should be.

I'll start the shower after I get you dirty...

Day 101 February 12 2014: Time

Time is like the shifting sands on a deserted beach, hollowed shores with abandoned sandcastles being blown apart by whispering winds filled with forgotten memories.
Time is like a forest of dead trees, all busted and broken with leaves abandoning their home to find death on the floor below, the trees bark is worst than their bite.
Time is like an empty track covered in broken hurdles and the first place ribbons of past victors who's names are carved on misplaced trophies.
Time is like a room of talking mouths and no ears, everyone is hoping someone will remember what they said but no one is listening, every face is a clock just counting down until it stops ticking.

People take time for themselves, they place it neatly high up on the shelf, they move the time meant for others to a different time all together.
Time for them is a self revolving door and each pane is a mirror trying not to reflect their pain on others...it's meant for another time.

Time is a cruel bitch, it goes too fast when you want it slow and it goes so slow when you wish it would just end.
Time is like a bird because it sure can fly.

I choose to spend my time making the most of what little there truly is, I cant read the watch of my life but my life is something I'd rather be living than watching.
Sometimes the best times are the times where I spend time with someone who takes the time to give me the time of day.

I'd rather do nothing with someone than something with no one almost anytime.

I've got time to eat

Day 100 February 11 2014: Suicide headaches

It is like there is a monster living inside of my head and it's tearing apart my brain piece by piece.
Claws grabbing at grey matter like it doesn't matter which part he's ripping apart.
Placing jackhammers to vibrate, squeeze, dismantle, destroy, and disintegrate whats left of a broken battered brain.
Dragging a sabertooth rake across my mind pulling all the pain he can out and piling it up as he goes.

It's like my jawbone is being pulled from my scalp, one hand on my forehead, the other trying to tear my jaw away.
It's like someone took a fire poker fresh from the hot flames and shoved it through my eye.
My face droops and my eyes water, I need water because I'm having trouble breathing.
I feel it hit me like a bat to the side of my head and I wish it would leave just as fast as it came on, but he doesn't grant wishes.
My knees give out, my hands shake, my breath gets heavy, and it's more than I can take.

I'm locking myself in a room filled with blackness, I'm blacking out my curtains, I'm blocking out the sun, I'm hiding in the closet until this pain is done.

I can't hear, I can't see, I can't think, I can't breath, I can't hold still, I can't control my muscles, I can't ask for help, I can't move, I can't talk, I can't drink, I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't...make it stop.

I hate riding in ambulances.

They nicknamed this devil "Suicide headaches" and he bears that title proudly.

Cluster headaches in a visual form.
I wish this on no one.

Day 99 Feburary 10 2014: Excerpt number three from: Diary of a dead man; the suicide note of Wesley Banner

"Today would be a good day, I felt it in my bones when I woke up this morning.
I hadn't even got out my bathroom before I knew that would change. Standing right in front of me, just staring into those dead eyes, I had to stop walking and I heard it all start up again...



'You're a worthless piece of shit, you're disgusting, you're a faulty wire that burns a family alive and then stares at the charred remains, you're the excrement of a botch abortion, you're a bag of vomit left in the sun to rot, you're the leftovers of a leaky bomb shelter after too much radiation has seeped in, all  retarded, all disgusting, all worthless sacks of shit piling higher and higher until you block out the sun with your vile existence.

You disgust me, you make my stomach turn on itself, like rotten milk backed up by a month of diarrhea, you are a speck of nothingness, you are shit spread across the heel of my shoe as I scrape you across the sidewalk leaving your stench behind me, you are a fly that lingers on piles of trash eating nothing but garbage and spewing out trash on those around you, you are a gross maggot crawling from one turd to another eating little bits of waste and making yourself more disgusting as you go.

All this wrapped in a suit and tie but I know who you are.

Fuck you. You have no value and I despise everything about your ugly, repulsive, hideous, ghastly, nasty, and revolting face.

You're too disgusting for even the worms to eat your corpse.

You will die unloved by all, remembered by none, and only your demons will keep you company.'



I should remove the mirrors in my house, I don't like the man I see on the other side of this looking glass and my mind will remind me every time I see him, that I hate everything about him."

Mirror mirror on the wall...

Day 98 February 9 2014: In this lifetime

I think I've figured it out.
I'm sure I solved the puzzle.
I know how to beat the system.
Who knows if I can do it this time around though.

At one point everything that exists was completely together and the Big Bang tore it all apart,
Every little atom that makes up your being and every little particle that has ever been me, were once together.
Because we were together before, I think we are searching for each other, to be back together and be made whole again.

I just learned how "soul mates" work.

Finding your soul mate would be easier if you understood quantum mathematics.

Maybe I just need a Big Bang.

Day 97 February 8 2014: I'm a little selfish

I tell you jokes to make you laugh, to make you happy, and to make you smile,
You think I do it to impress you and to make you feel good, it is true I do,
But I say dumb things from my smart mouth so I can watch you reveal that porcelain perfection hiding behind those lovely lips.

I also do it because I'm just a little selfish.

Alright, I do it because I'm really selfish and your smile makes me smile.

A good looking smile from a good looking girl
makes my bad days melt away

Day 95 February 6 2014: Hurricane

Theres a storm outside raging and this bed lays cold on one side while I lay cold on the other,
I hear rain pelt against the steel siding and it echoes across the room that used to be filled with moans,
These sheets are stained with love and memories and now they lay filled with regret,
I fill the holes in my heart with whiskey and you fill your holes with other men.

I can't see the sun through the storm clouds outside my window pane,
I see grey skies rolling through for the whole forecast.

I still see the song notes hanging in the air from when you used to sing,
I can still see all of the lies you threw up on my floor that still lay in a pile of a vomitous mess,
Your smell lingers on all my pillow cases and it makes me nauseous,
My goosebumps are still present from the last touch of your skin on mine.

I'll lay in our mess alone while you're making a new one for someone else,
I'd try to warn them, but they wouldn't believe me,
I didn't believe the last guy either.

You are a walking hurricane, a frightful mess that everyone watches, a beautiful curse, and a death sentence for the ones that can't get out of your path.

I'm almost to the eye of this storm, I'll ride it out as long as I can but I know this will be the end of me.

Sometimes eyes can be deceiving

Day 94 February 5 2014: Undressing you

I'm feeling basorexia,
I'm also feeling kilig.

That woman is kalon and I must admit I practice apodyopsis.

A lot of apodyopsis.

Day 93 February 4 2014: Lists

I put all my punctuations in perfect planned out parallel rows,
my stupid stanzas, syntax, and stylish synonyms stand out,
I'm whimsically working on words to willingly write,
my lovable lists lack a linguistic luster tonight.

When I make my lists of favorite things and worst regrets,
somehow you always ended up on both.

Day 92 February 3 2014: To read your mind

She once told me I could read her mind.

I told her "if her mind was a book, I'd never put it down."

She is a library and I could soak up all of her information, she is a lexicon and I am trying to expand my vocabulary.

I enjoy her intellect and she enjoys my humor, I make her laugh and she makes me smile.

I would spend my time reading her mind over reading a book, she's more enjoyable and I would spend more time in her than I would in a book any day.

A love story is written by two people.

Day 91 February 2 2014: Beautiful

...it was only after she removed her fake eyelashes, washed off her eye liner, took down her hair, rinsed her face, and lost everything she needed for the world to accept her...

Thats when I noticed, she never looked more beautiful.

Day 89 January 31 2014: Falling stars

11:11 is when I make my wishes, they say thats the perfect time
I toss them up to the sky hoping they break through the atmosphere and hit the outer regions of our solar system
I like to think they bounce off the planets, ricochet off of asteroids, deflect from comets and get into interstellar space
I send them up everyday, they are like an atheists prayer, both are useless but they make you feel better
I've been sending my wishes up to the stars for as long as I can remember, actually for as long as I've known you
I think I'm gonna stop doing it soon, I think my wishes are hitting the stars and its starting to show
I think every time my wish makes it to a star, it falls in love with you
I'll say "I used to wish on the stars, but I see they have all fallen for you."
It will be my fault when the sky turns black

You can blame me for every meteor shower you'll ever see.

David Kingham captured some of the stars I've cursed with my love for you.

Day 88 Januaruy 30 2014: Excerpt number two from: Diary of a dead man; the suicide note of Wesley Banner

"The sun was shining but it just kept getting dimmer, as if it was being snuffed out. I knew it was me but I liked to push the blame onto others, even if it was an object like a star.
I liked to look at the stars because looking at something that is dead and yet still gorgeous is such a rare beauty.
I needed more beautiful things in my life.

I have done bad things to get to this place of loneliness, I've said 'You can't get to where you wanna get by avoiding stepping on toes, but if you burn all your bridges you might just wind up on an island.' I'm there now making a signal fire and no one is answering, there's no ships at sea to hear my distress call.
I haven't felt this lonely since when I was surround with friends.

I once stood before a crowd of faceless strangers that all knew my name, blurred out countenances looking like masks and I couldn't remember what mask I was supposed to wear that day. I was moving in slow motion but everyone else was running past me, I just couldn't keep up. I felt as though I was being dragged below the surface of the water, and I'll be the one who drowns because my demons swim much better than me, they've had practice, I've spent too long trying to drown them myself.

They didn't understand, they couldn't understand, because I couldn't explain it. It's not that I was sad all the time, it's just that I was never happy anymore, I couldn't remember what a real smile felt like and it tore me apart when I spread that pearly white lie across my face.
I was able to hide anything, cover all of it up. I could hide myself from everything, disguise tears that crept up, muffle screams with yawns, I could hide it all and I could hide from it all, except from one thing, the only thing that I was ever trying to hide from, myself.

To paraphrase Roger Zelazny 'Death I realized, is the only God that ever comes when you called' and I got that bitches number ringing right now."

"The man who kills a man kills a man.
The man who kills himself kills all men.
As far as he is concerned, he wipes out the world."
 - G.K. Chesterton 1874- 1936

Day 87 January 29 2014: A skewed vision

She was looking for someone to love her
I was looking for someone to warm my sheets
She was looking for someone to hold her
I was looking for someone to occupy my time
She was looking for something lasting
I was looking for a means to an end
She was looking for love
I was looking for lust

I treated you badly, badly is the nicest way I can put it, you deserve someone who will fix your heart if they break it, not someone who will walk away from the pieces.

Love is measured in broken heartbeats.
I am a distorted version of love.

Day 86 January 28 2014: Lifeline

I only once told her once I could save her,

she has spent forever asking me to rescue her.

I can't be your lifeline.

Day 85 January 27 2014: I'm stuck here waiting.

I've watched trees bloom, blossom, wither, and die, all while waiting for you.

I've seen shores sink and raise, sands push in and out, ships come and go, all while waiting for you.

I've stood and seen stones wither to sand, I've seen grains pile into dunes, all while waiting for you.

I've watched watches stop working, I've seen hands twist about their face, I've seen the faces flip over themselves, all while waiting for you.

I said I'd wait forever but I'm fearful you're testing my resolve.

Day 84 January 26 2014: "It's not you, it's me."

It's not that I don't want to love you, it's that I don't want to hurt you.
If you understood what that meant I think you wouldn't be so angry.

Dying alone has never been a fear of mine.
Leaving someone behind has always been one.

Day 83 January 25 2014: Unread Letters

I wrote you a letter today.

It's the best way I have to still talk to you, I think often of our talks and how you always gave me the best advice when I needed it most.
When I questioned my faith you were the one that told me no matter what I believed or didn't believe, I wasn't wrong and we'd still be friends, when I wanted to end it all you told me there was more for me, when I gave up on myself you still had faith in me, when I had no faith in myself.
I couldn't ask for a better friend, I couldn't ask for a better brother,and I couldn't ask for a better Marine.
Somedays I miss you more than you could imagine man, somedays I think only of you, somedays are harder than the rest bro.
I wish you could have met the guys I met, You would've fit right in man.

If hearts were mailboxes, mines full of envelopes with your name on them just waiting to be opened.

I wrote you a letter today, I just wish there was an address to where you are.

Day 82 January 24 2014: A cold acrostic

I hate going to sleep with you only on my mind and not in my bed.

My heart is empty and my sheets are cold.

I need you to come back to this room.

Since you left the heat has escaped.

Somehow I can't ever get warm.

You haven't even called and I'm waiting by the phone.

Only you can fix this horrible situation.

Unless you come back, I will spend forever in my dreams.

Day 81 January 23 2014: Eternally yours

There's a love for you that is deeper than you'll ever know, it is in my core.
When this skin I wear sheds and my bones turn to dust and the life has left my body, I'll still love you.
When my fleshy tomb is laid into the ground it will be found that it is still full of love, for you.
I'll say "I love you" when I cry, I'll say "I love you" when I die, I'll say "I love you" with my last breath, I'll say "I love you" even after, even after death.

The love I have for you transcends souls, space, and time.
I'll you eternally, I hope your love will be, forever mine.

Until I'm rotten and forgotten, displayed and decayed, exposed and decomposed, my love will still remain the same, as it always was, for you.

I was, have been, and still am, in love with you.

Day 80 January 22 2014: Dogma

I thank God I'm an agnostic atheist.

Because atheists don't fly planes into buildings or start holy wars.

For Siddhārtha Gautama's sake Hitler was a Christian, only in name mind you and not by actions, but thats seems to be common.

When people say "God bless America" I think it's funny that God picked a team 237 and now almost 238 years ago.

I had an imaginary friend when I was a child but instead of being born again, I grew up.

It is sad to see a corporation become a person and that said "person" will believe something you don't and it takes away your rights, because you work for a person not a business. "We the Corporation..." I don't think thats how it goes. When did someone else's religious beliefs get to take away my rights as a person?
I also dislike having "In God we trust" as the motto and on the currency of this nation, because there is supposed to be a separation of church and state. I guess it only counts when you want it.
Shit, you cherry pick your religious texts so why not do the same with the Bill of Rights and the Constitution?

Theres something about religious fantasies that I'll never understand, for example:
In one story from the Bible, Yahweh sent himself to us to kill himself to save us from himself, all while the third guy just hangs out.

How is dying a sacrifice if you're just going to come back a few days later?

Also two things, I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't call it good Friday because it probably wasn't that good for him, but I don't even know he if really existed. I also find it pretty ridiculous that it is a monotheistic religion, but there are three separate individuals and yet they are they same person but separate...but still one person, etc.

In another myth from The Qur'an, Surat Al-Qamar 54:1 "The hour has come near, and the moon has split [in two]." It's believed that a man rode a winged horse and cracked the moon in half. I'll say that again, A MAN RODE A WINGED HORSE AND CRACKED THE MOON IN HALF. I don't think I need to explain why this is ridiculous. That man also married a six year old but didn't consummate the marriage till she was nine or ten years old.

In another one the wolf God Sköll would try to eat the sun and would succeed in his attempts causing a solar eclipse. It was believed that performing certain tasks or rituals would cause the sun to return. It would have returned anyways but, why learn when you can believe?

How about some lightning bolts because you didn't pleased a God?

How about a hurricane because of homosexuality? Don't believe it? Well talk to Pat Robertson and see what God has to say.

How about the myth of jewish slavery in Egypt? I don't believe it happened and evidence or lack of evidence shows that it is a fairy tale, but if you believe this myth then why would God harden Pharaohs heart? Exodus 9:12 KJB says, "And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh, and he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had spoken unto Moses." so why would an all knowing, all powerful God harden the heart of the ruler? Bring down boils, frogs, locust, and kill the first born of every person and every cattle? Just to prove his power?

These stories are pure fantasy and are a archaic, bronze age, and terribly dogmatic belief that needs to be studied, ridiculed, refuted, and placed in a part of our history in line with greek mythology.

Humans are more intelligent now, they don't need fairy tales to explain everything.

We may not ever understand how we came about or why certain things happen, but to say we know and refuse to question, well that stifles human intelligence and limits our potential.

I have a skepticism towards faith and blind faith is something I can't begin to reason in my mind.
People will kill other people, something we as humans have become greatly better at and do very frequently, based on blind faith. You'll do what you're supposed to do after God was done revealing his plan to you.

To accept something that has almost none, if not no shred of evidence and has no way of proving itself to be true, is something I can't do. Just because something doesn't prove to be false doesn't make it true. I need evidence and then I will question the evidence.
People have told me before that it is on me to prove that God doesn't exists, but you can't prove a negative and shifting the burden of proof doesn't make your claim anymore valid.
I don't like it when people tell me stories about what God has done, thats not evidence, that is an anecdote.

I dont understand prayer.

If God has a plan and he knows how its going to happen and its all according to his plan, then why pray for change? Why pray for help? Why pray for the sick to get better?

It is in his plan for people to get sick and die, its in his plan for your dad to be an alcoholic and hit you, its in his all knowing wisdom to keep food from millions and give them aids, so why bother helping? That would be taking away from the plan of your divine deity.

Fucking mother Teresa.

Suffering can be helped, but not by getting on your knees and pleasing an old man.

I find prayer similar to what someone strung out on drugs does, they think their talking to someone but all I see is them talking to no one and looking crazy.

Prayer is the best way to feel like you did something while accomplishing nothing.

For some reason though the philosophy of religion fascinates and frustrates me in a way that I don't think I'll ever stop reading and researching all the stories, fantasies, and myths that go along with it.

As they say, God's don't kill people, people with God's kill people.

"And in the beginning man created God..."

God is dead, in fact I don't know if she ever existed.

Day 79 January 21 2014: Lessons from my brother

You'll never read this, you'll never know I wrote this. I could read it to you, but you would just interrupt me and tell me some story that you start laughing half way through.
You taught me to laugh whenever possible.

You were born too small, too sick, too damaged to make it, and yet, you've made it.
You taught me that I can make it.

"He'll never walk."

"He'll never talk."

"He won't live passed three...if he's lucky."

I remember when you broke my wrist, clapping in church and praising Jesus.

I remember helping you brush your teeth, telling you that plaque is bad.

I remember putting on your velcro shoes, laces are something you haven't mastered, yet.
You taught me that its okay to ask for help and to stand back when you're clapping.

I wish I could be as happy as you are(most days), you have an infectious smile, a laugh that spreads through a room, and you always tell people how much you love them.

You taught me that life isn't as hard as we make it out to be.

More people should be like you.

More people should laugh like you.

More people should love like you.

More people should know you.

You have never said that you've "hated" something, the word hate I don't think has ever left your lips.
You taught me not to hate.

"I just called to say I love you, I just called to say how much I care." - Made famous by Stevie Wonder, made memorable by Benjamin Randel.

Ben working on some art.

Day 78 January 20 2014: When I dream

When I dream, its of her and I can't do that any longer.

She comes in like and Angel, so beautiful and sweet, I remember the first time we meet, but a shift in the wind, she's no longer my friend, but a devil, with hooves for feet.

When you overtake my dreams, they are joyful and gladness, until I realize you're not really there and then to my despair, its replaced, with utter sadness.

Her dancing across my grey matter, like a field of flowers her feet have powers that charm for hours, the pitter patter are all that matter, for you see, she is to perfect to flatter.

But these dreams can't go on, even though it's something I adore,

For the fantasy is fun, not the broken heart mon amour.

To escape all of you is what I aim to do, it's not that I regret,

it's just the memory pains, the lifeline strains, and this infernal nocturnal brain,

is something I'd rather like to forget.

To meet you on the other side is a goal, we meet, we laugh, we dance, and we're made whole.
I'll forever seen you in my dreams, silently saying, "return to me, return to me."

But it is I who must make the journey, it is a bridge I'm too scared to cross.
For my dreams to become my reality, means my reality will then be lost.
So I'll see you tonight my friend and we'll discuss the end, whatever it may cost.
Between fire missions and religious submissions, I will eternally remain, forever lost.

Forgive me, I know not what I do.

I dream of sleep and I sleep to dream.

Day 77 January 19 2014: I am dust.

I am dust.
Covering everyone and everything I touch, but like a car in an accident I am compacted together by the pressures of my own fault

Lines drawn in sand with sticks on a beach tracing constellations and imitating the patterns of stars

Shooting down the red carpet, flashes blind their eyes as they tell you who they are wearing and it means

Nothing, absolutely nothing is what makes me wish we could go back and be back

Together as a family at this thanksgiving dinner, fists swing heavily after drinks flow freely, mom will set up the camera and take the

Picture a place far from here, an escape from the norm, somewhere in a land where no one knows your

Name the state capitals, tell me stories about different places and lands and then tell me how many you've been

Too many people ask me questions, seek advice, and I don't want to talk or even

Deal the cards so we can play the game, I'm not very good because I know I'm gonna

Lose myself in something, a demon that can swim is a fear of mine, how can I drown it if it can
Swim for shore Peter, the current is getting stronger and I don't want you to get pulled out to
See something I never saw coming, it engulfed me like a storm, a blaze, a

Fire your gun! They are getting closer, We need to hold them back, I wanna make it

Home needs to be cleaned up, this place is a mess and everything is covered in

Dust.

I am dust.

"Of dirt you're made, and of dirt you will return."
- The Decemberists

Day 76 January 18 2014: Retain my heart.

I'll still love you even after you forget me, yourself, and us.
That hollow shell that remains will always retain my heart inside it.

Day 75 January 17 2014: Heart transplant

I'll never get back what I gave you, in you I want it to stay.
I find that I flow through you, I find that we beat together,
I find our pulse in synchronies, and I find myself in you.

Life is to precious not to gift it to someone.

Day 74 January 16 2014: More Pictures

I wish I had more pictures of you.
More pictures of us, together.

More captured memories of a time I've forgotten,
Often tear drenched moments,
Some sun filled exposures,
Many smiles to light my dreams.
Pictures didn't do you justice and my memories are doing you wrong.

I wish I had more pictures of you.
More pictures of us, together.

Each picture has faded,
More memory has dulled,
Every time I try to remember,
I find the negative exposures more often.
I wanna see the good, but bringing things to light destroys your image.

I wish I had more pictures of you.
More pictures of us, together.

I never got the right lens,
I always shut my eyes,
Making goofy faces,
While you always smiled.
At least thats how I remember it, but the pictures wouldn't lie.

I wish I had more pictures of you.
More pictures of us, together.

I was to foolish to snap a shot,
To dumb to relish the time together,
If I just put down the camera,
And grabbed the moment to hold it.
The faulty camera in my mind holds my old film, and you're the star.


Now I'm left with a shoebox of unexposed memories,
I'm afraid to see what I've left hidden,
I keep those pushed under the bed of my mind,
Its where my monsters live, and I'm too scared to look at them.

I just wish I had more pictures of you.
More pictures of us.
Together.

Blurred faces hold broken memories.

Image: Amalia Bussard scratches a negative
then paints it with ink to give it this look.

Day 73 January 15 2014: Best Friends

We stood there, brothers in arms, linked, minds sinked, melded
When you left, I felt it, I could just tell it, I melted.
I promised you I'd be there, but you died, I guess I lied, I gave you my word but I failed it.
"Best friends" above the rest, I felt it in my chest, that EGA was our crest.
You gave up more than I did with two to the chest.
Sand was our hell, you fell, and now I tell, the words you said best.
Bullets build friendships and they end them too, The friendship I built was the best, between me and you.

"I'll meet you over there."

A plane took you away but it was really a gun that did it, I was state side and felt nothing, well maybe just shit.
Your mom told me "thank you" but I wasn't there, I drank myself crazy, said it wasn't fair.
When the facts set in, it was more than I could bear, "Why would God do this?"
Thats when I knew he wasn't there.

"I've played in sandboxes before."

You were waiting for me to show, and I never came, would things have turned out the same?
Now theres a stone that bears your name, and I bear that shame.
A fire snuffed out, a hidden flame, another body a war could claim,
Maybe if I was there to set aim, but I feel like I'm the one to blame.

"We'll party hard when I get back."

You should've come back.
I should've been there.

Some of my best friends are the ones I can't talk to anymore.

Day 63 January 5 2014: Don't fall for anything

Don't fall for anything.
Not teacher, not peacher, not king, nor God.
All can lead astray and all can lie.

Especially don't fall for love.

It is the worst of all demons and it betrays the heart.

Day 72 January 14 2014: Broken mirror

Don't tell me you're not beautiful.

You've never seen you, you have only seen reflections and they don't do you justice.

A broken mirror is all you see when I see the whole picture.

Don't tell me you're not beautiful.

Day 71 January 13 2014: Burnt feelings

Dont stand in the wind, it will blow against your skin, but you won't feel the freeze.
Don't breath in the fumes, I'm burning away my feelings and you might catch some.
Don't look in my direction, I'm slumping over on myself from my broken back.

Don't offer any assistance, I won't take it because I don't want it.

Day 70 January 12 2014: Sound sleeper

Insistant insomnia plagues my nights, one idea versus the other in constant fights
Laying alone wrapped up for heat, cold air and warm skin will never meet
Fluffed up pillows to rest my head, the best place to find comfort is a bed
Stay awake too often wondering if i'm insane, I need to find the off switch for my brain
It runs faster than Usain Bolt, irrational thoughts give it the jolt
Electric currents wrapped around my synapses, with current thoughts of "Whats going to happen?"
I try to dream and paint with my imagination, I make a landscape of a far off destination
Staying in bed is how I spend my day, hoping that the waking world would just go away


I can't chase my thoughts anymore, they run faster than it seems
I'll sleep more soundly on a bed, built with someone else's dreams.

Insomnia talks to me like a woman as it says,"I can't sleep with you."

Insomnia is so last night.

Day 68 January 10 2014: Ideas are powerful

She stood wrapped in smoke almost invisible and as the ash fell on her,
Her voice became louder, the sirens and screams quieted.
She stood there as a ghost hidden in the haze yelling "REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION!"
One loud bang and her voice was silent.
No longer a ghost in the haze, no longer a silhouette in the chaos, no longer no longer.
She became the spirit of change and the debris fell on her 'revolution' that now lay sprayed across the streets.

Ideas are powerful things that the people in power will bridle if given the chance.

Day 69 January 11 2014: Give your T.V. The remote

Television confines and wraps minds into little products producing what producers say is hip, and if you take a trip in my mind and you'll find a land to disband the wires from the liars that babysit your kids.
"Sit down! Shut up! Watch the Disney channel!" As they channel into kids brains they're strained from the world outside, and then confined.
Encampments of little byproducts of a T.V. age.

Video games depict a life worth living, a love not given, and yet you pop on the box kick off your socks and get stoned, sit in your room alone and later you'll beg to be forgiven.
Advertisers advertise to demonize and penalize closed eyes and open minds, free thinking is a ship thats sinking, breath thats stinking, but it keeps whispering in your ear, "Have you not been watching the news? The rest of the world is to fear."
Propoganda propagates and infiltrates and then eliminates any thought that you had on your own, stuck at home, on your phone, all alone. But its okay because you got the T.V. and what else do you need to own?

"Look at this war...Watch this tragedy..." They make the world seem awful for you and me, but the kids get stuck into an MTV brain, they get told they're insane and given pills to make them better but thats the trick because when they get sick trying to get better a new form of medication will be found in desperation for the depression you feel from watching your reality T.V. and being told its real.

Lies spread across the network like a sickness, a virus, a thickness that can't be trudge through, but its called true, blame it one someone but who? Cant blame you so you push it off on the other, the sisters brothers fathers and mothers of another nation and in this degradation is deformation of ones character like the character that tells you to just believe your mind can't conceive what you perceive to see as a truth and this is how we poison the youth.

And its all because of a box you bought and set on a pedestal and yes you have its remote but it is the one who is in control.

Day 67 January 9 2014:My loud mind

I spend my time, living in screens
I dance too slow, I have two left feet.
Pushing away the sunlight,  in search of dreams
When I'm awake I'm alone, when I sleep, we meet.

I
Just
Need
A quite place
For my loud mind.

Day 66 January 8 2014: I just might

Stop doing what your doing.

Stop saying what your saying.

Stop believing in what you believe in.

If you keep loving me I just might start myself.

If you keep telling me I'm wonderful I'll start to say it.

And If you don't stop believing in me, I just might start to believe in myself.

Day 65 January 7 2014: Erosion

Love is the water that creates the erosion that breaks away the stones I've placed in front of my heart.

Day 64 January 6 2014: My cigarette

Each breath I inhale from this cigarette I intake sends less toxic fumes to my heart than the love you gave me.

For a slow death from the cancer stick I know is bringing my end seems much better than the lies you've convinced me to be true.

A heart attack is much easier to take, than a heart break.

The fire from the ash burns brighter than the feelings that are left for you, they drift away with the wind, much like each bit of this cigarette that is flicked into the breeze.

As I enjoy it, it kills me a little more.

I find my cigarette akin to love...one just hurts less...and will kill more over time.

One is a cancerous devil and the other is my cigarette.

Day 62 January 4 2014: Why we can't have nice things

Why we can't have nice things:
Florida (Who doesn't wanna eat someones face?)
People who think the world is 6,000 years old
The Tea Party
People with confederate flag tattoos
War
People who fart in elevators
Fox "News"
People who believe in horoscopes (Because mars was just a little lower in the sky and you were born in March so you...should stop being an idiot.)
Arizona (Not all just most[although zero discrimination])
George W. Bush
Meth
Stand your ground
Florida (because if your gonna shoot a gun you better hit somebody)
Anyone who thinks their "Restless leg syndrome" is really a problem
People who got upset over that Coke ad
People who don't know that "America the beautiful" isn't our national anthem
Anyone who says "Why should I press 1 for english?!"
Florida (Puppeteers who want to cook and eat children)
Christians who don't act Christ like
Politicians
Miley Cyrus
People who say 'Merica
Crocs
Ugly babies
Those Kardashian things
Raves
War...again
The Tea Party (Michele Bachmann, need I say more?)
People who care more about Justin Bieber than about Venezuela or Ukraine
Florida (Letting your ten year old grandson get a tattoo sounds like a good idea)
Fat people (Fuck you fatty, I don't care)
Every girl wearing yoga pants with uggs, walking with their Starbucks, texting on their iPhone, and complaining that their life is a "struggle"
Every guy that immediately calls skins in a friendly basketball game, drugs a girls drink, grunts in the gym, thinks women are objects
Women who actually are nothing more than objects
Children who are having children
Bill O'Reilly
Identity theft
Thinking that being homosexual is a choice
Not realizing that your bigotry is a choice
Florida (Texting in a theater, not anymore)
Anyone who says they are "Country" but have never done anything country besides listen to shit music and wear some awful knock-off shit kickers
Lil Wayne
Sean Hannity
Hitler
War...seriously guys
The Tea Party (“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways of shutting that whole thing down.” -Todd Akin)
Anyone who thinks America was founded as "A Christian Nation"
Modern rap
Modern "music"
The federal reserve
People who get shitty because someone smokes pot
People who think Obama is comparable to Hitler
Drone strikes
Girls who call themselves and their friends bitches
People who use the word Ratchet for any other meaning than as a tool (Stop destroying the English language)
Anyone who gets upset if you draw a goofy picture of their deity (Fuck you Mohammad)
SB 1062
Everyone who is going crazy over gun rights
Mitch McConnell
Men who hit women*, children, or animals
*Women who hit men and then think they aren't gonna get punched (hit me three times and I'm swinging)
Thinking Noahs ark was a real thing
Westboro Baptist Church
Having a two party system that fights more about being in a party than about actual politics
God (Any type of this creation God/Allah/Flying Spaghetti Monster)

And mostly, myself.
Sorry America, we all fucked it up.

Welcome to Rome!

Oh and fucking Florida (Why wouldn't you marry a ferris wheel named 'Bruce'?)

Day 61 January 3 2014: My small victory

I go to bed alone most nights, I work five nights a week, and in-between, I drink.
I know who I am and I'm comfortable with it.

There is a small victory in that.

Because when I discovered the beauty in myself
All the ugliness of the world meant nothing to me.

Day 60 January 2 2014: Don't do it

Don't fall in love with me,
You'll be the only tree left in a forrest and I'll cut you down,
And use your family to build my dreams.

Day 90 February 1 2014: Segregation

Degradation through separation tried to teach a "role",

Segregation from caucasian can damage the soul.

With aggravation and aspirations to someday reach the goal,

We need adoration to the generation where it took its toll.

There should be celebration in the publication and not an empty hole,

The proclamation of emancipation from the life we stole.

Because when you divide a nation, it can't be called "whole".

Day 59 January 1 2014: Don't forget to breath

There's a decadence on the distance that you've placed between us,
A loving lonely longing between each breath.
As I watch your chest rise with each intake and fall with each exhale,
I remember the words that used to expel from those beautiful lips.

As they parted when we departed and those words fell from your face,
I hide mine in my sweater, hoping to forget her.
Tears never brought much grace.

Just don't forget to breath, after you've forgotten me.
Because after all, you told me I was your air.
You couldn't breath without me, you couldn't be without we.
But you left, does that seem fair?

"I love you" stings most when spoken from a mouth you no longer kiss,
and a heart breaks fastest from one that you no longer miss.

Day 58 December 31 2013: The day the sun turned black

Day 1: We got the news while building a porch swing. She dropped her hammer and started crying.

Day 14: We started looking at treatment centers and what options we had, she wouldn't stop crying and I wouldn't let myself start.

Day 27: She underwent her first round, she threw up in the car. "I'm sorry baby I just can't keep my food down, I feel so sick all the time now."

"It's okay I'll just make you some more until it settles."

Day 32: I bring her pink roses when I pick her up from the center. "Oh you didn't have to but I'm glad you did and of course they are pink."

Pink was her favorite color for as long as I can remember.

Day 40: Her hair is starting to get a little thin, I found some in the shower yesterday but I just cleaned it up and didn't say a word. She'll still look beautiful bald because it won't change that smile and eyes that I fell in love with.

Day 57: Too sick to work on our projects and the porch swing sits waiting.

Day 70: Bald is beautiful right?

Day 89: It has started to regress and we couldn't be more happy.

Day 102: Turn for the worse.

Day 115: She starting to stay more nights at the hospital just to be safe. She's losing weight and I'm losing sleep, my bed has never felt more empty.

Day 130: They told me today that they had to up the radiation to stop the spread, I was unsure but she said she didn't mind it. So we up'd it and I watched the color in her skin fade along with her weight.

Day 150: It's regressing again and they think its for good this time, she was smiling all day and so was I. The first almost decent night of sleep I've had in awhile.

Day 165: She said "My treatments are going good. They said soon I'll be able to come home again and we can finish building that swing we made."

Her enthusiasm was contagious, it made the room brighter, which was good because the hospital lights made everything look dull and dim.

"That is good because its looking awful just sitting in pieces, stop taking so long I've been waiting to finish it."

My sarcasm always made her smile.

Day 190: She gets to come home.

Day 198: We finish the building process and start the painting process.

"Paint it white. It will look cool when it chips and will look great next to the pink roses you're going to plant me."

"I'm planting you roses now?"

"Well yeah, because you love me so much."

So we start the project right where we left off at, but now I have roses to plant later.

Day 205: Regular check up and we are looking awesome.

Day 225: Looking better than last time and hair is coming back.

Day 240: Lunch with friends for the first time since she got sick, it was much needed.

Day 270: I'm making her dinner and I hear a thud from the dining room. Bloody nose and she's out cold.

Day 271: It's back and theres more than before.

"HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THIS BEFORE?!"

"Listen I know your upset but you need to keep your voi…"

"YOU ARE RIGHT I'M UPSET! I GOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS WORLD THAT MATTERS TO ME IN THE NEXT ROOM DYING AND YOUR ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONES SAVING HER AND YOU ARENT DOING YOUR JOB! GODDAMN RIGHT I'M UPSET!"

"Babe come here. Babe come here and save me yourself."

"Whats up dear? You okay? Is everything alright?

"Yeah, just calm down and sit with me."

"Well I just need…"

"You just need to calm down and sit with me right now. Let them do their thing and we'll do ours and right now thats sitting here."

Day 294: No luck in pushing it back again or killing it off. A brain tumor is harder to treat than we originally thought.

Day 318: It's doubled in size.

Day 330: I am spending more nights sleeping at the hospital.

Day 348: "You have everything in order correct?"

"Yeah but she's gonna make it, I'm not even thinking about that stuff right now."

"I understand, maybe you should start thinking about it a little later then."

Day 360: No sleep tonight, moans of pain keep us both awake.

Day 364: "It's almost midnight babe do you want me to get the nurse to give you some more pain meds so you can sleep?"

"No I'm fine just come lay with me."

I crawl into the bed and we just talked for a good twenty minutes or so just about our favorites things, how we almost got divorced a few years back, what we are gonna do when she gets back home.

She stops me mid sentence and says "Tell me how much you love me."

"What?"

"Tell me how much you love me. You have to do what I say, can't tell a dying girl no now can you?"

"Don't say stuff like that."

"Then tell me how much you love me." There was a little smirk on her face.

"You wanna know how much I love you?" She nods, that smirk getting bigger.

"I remember when I met you, I was on a blind date with that one girl with the really big nose, oh what was her name…"

"Janet." She lost the smirk and looked sternly at me. She didn't like Janet.

"Yeah thats right. I remember it was going awful because she was an awful person."

Smile returns.

"She was going on about something dull and boring and then you walked by and spilt your drink all over me when you tripped, I was so upset and started yelling until you looked up at me. That was the day I fell in love with you babe."

"You still didn't tell me how much though." Bigger smile.

"I'll love you from here to eternity, from now until forever, until the moon fades, until the stars burnout, I'll love you until the sun turns black."

She smiled and said "Well thats all I wanted to hear. Now get back in bed, I'm cold."

That was the first time either of us have slept comfortably in almost a year.

Day 365: The day the sun turned black.

She was right about the paint and the roses.
Then again, she always was right.

Day 57 December 30 2013: Sometimes

A sore can heal, a scar will fade,

a pain reveled, a memory made.

A friend is missed, a mood will swing,

an angry fist, a romantic fling.

A head in pain, an eye with tear,

a heart the same, a life with fear.

A love will die, a breath worth taking,

you will cry but sometimes,

your heart needs breaking.

Day 56 December 29 2013: Magnify

There he stood, over the bodies he burned so carelessly.
The charred remains of what used to be a husband, a wife, a child.
He stood over them with no remorse, with no sadness, with no guilt over the pain he caused.

And all this with a magnifying glass.

That child will be a killer someday, and everyone will say "They never saw it coming."

But God did and he did nothing to stop it.

Day 55 December 28 2013: Inside>Outside

I like what you did to your hair.
I love that new nail polish.
I enjoy your new clothes.
I agree those are some nice shoes.
I can't deny that you look good.

I just wish you'd swallow makeup to be pretty on the inside too.

Day 54 December 27 2013: Your words

She never had a problem telling me "Take out the trash."
She could always shout "Stop stealing all the blankets, I'm cold!"
She somehow got out "You seem to think everything is a joke don't you?"

But three words could never just go together for her.

I and Love and You.

Day 52 December 25 2013: Frozen

He looked out his frosted window at the frozen bay, he saw the bundled up souls rushing into the little cages they bought all lined up in a row, he saw the sun setting on the horizon, and then he saw his packed bag and knew it was time to leave.

Grabbing his duffle and making his way to the door, he picked up the picture that was face down one last time and told it the most solum of goodbyes. As he stared into the face that haunted his dreams and wouldn't leave his memories, he held back an ocean of tears bigger than the one that lay outside the frozen pane, while he held onto his frozen pain. He placed the picture face down and closed the door for the last time.

Braving the chilling air and being the only moving creature in the storm, he moved towards his boat. He threw his bag onto the vessel and as he set up for a voyage that he knew he wasn't returning from, there was a sweet relief he felt as the waves lapped against the sides of the ship, as the wind pushed against the mast waiting for the sheet to open up to take him on his last adventure. He drew the anchor like it was his last breath, heavy, slow, and mostly frozen.

As he pulled away from the harbor he saw the faces of the others in the windows of the cages they bought, observing him set off, they looked like ghosts watching the living walking away from a funeral. He turned his back on them as they once turned their backs on him, a weight was lifted by this simple gesture and he pulled the sail full to catch the breath of God to pull him to heaven.

The further the shore got the further from her he was, with every inch he moved he knew that was an inch closer to rest and further from the nightmares, every wave he over took was a memory that was forgotten, lost to the ocean.

As the sun pushed its last light over the endless ocean he stood at the bow of the ship and could finally breath easy, he had a few breaths left before his lungs became to cold to intake his precious oxygen.

With his last words he uttered "I loved you with everything that I was, with everything that I became, and with everything that you threw away, more than you could imagine, and more than God could dream of."

And with that he sailed off into the night to become what he already was, frozen.

How inappropriate to call this planet Earth
when it is quite clearly Ocean.
Arthur C. Clarke 

Day 53 December 26th 2013: Hush

There's beauty in the moments where you don't speak,
The silence between each word is something I long for,
The quietness between each sentence you say,
The hush between your phrases.

I live for that moment.

For in that silence I find you more beautiful than you'll know.