Day 51 December 24 2013: The Key

When I see her smile and hear the laugh that accompanies it, it awakens old memories, with every breath she lets out that is filled with joy it is like a key knocking the tumblers of a lock.
For when she parts her lips and reveals her porcelain perfection, my world becomes brighter and shows me something in myself that has long been hidden, kept secret, stored in a vault, and then forgotten.

For with every second she giggles one less brick stands in the wall that I've built around my heart.

Day 49 December 22 2013: Eyes

I could only take glances at her angelic face,
For I knew that if I were to look into her eyes,
I would forget what I was saying and the world would melt away.

There is just something eyes can say that a mouth will never utter.

Day 48 December 21 2013: The Fog

As the landscape opened up to me, like a flower in bloom it showed all its beauty.

Fog rolled over the tops of the mountains, the trees stood in a frozen silence,
And I was cold.

It pleaded with me to come to it,
It begged me to explore,
It asked me to endeavor.

As I stood at the edge of the peak,
And as I looked at the landscape below,
I realized true freedom came from within.

And the fog rolled over the world.

Day 47 December 20 2013: Just an hour

If I could spend but a day just memorizing the curves of your body with my hands, letting my senses learn your shape, your warmth, your hidden passions.

If I could spend but a night creating body heat and making friction between our skin where there wasn't any before, I want to melt your curtains, I want to char your bedposts, I want to feel your sweat, I want to light you ablaze.

If I could spend but just an hour with my hands and your body and letting every bit of you know how I yearn for you, only one hour is all I ask, to move across your shell with my finger tips, feeling each goose bump I create with each touch and breath that warms your skin and heart.

If you could just give me the time of day you would see the desire in my eyes.

You'll never want for anything after you've had my touch

Day 50 December 23 2013: Drawbacks

There is something about you that always draws me back, like a pencil retracing its line, hoping to pull the lead back in so that it could spend a bit more time on its precious paper before it becomes dull and is discarded as nothing more than a utensil.

There is something about you that always brings me home, like the beacon of a lighthouse to a ship lost at sea with its many souls hoping and praying for savior, a rescue, a light to bring them home in the darkness.

You are my paper, you are my muse, you are my light in the darkness, you are my savior.

please keep drawing me back and bringing me home.

Day 46 December 19 2013: I'll never be your first

I'll never be your first.

I'll never be your first love.
I'll never be your first kiss.
I'll never be your first lover.
I'll never be your first fight.
I'll never be your first heartbreak.
I'll never be your first mistake.
I'll never be your first regret.

I wanna be your last love, your last first kiss, your last lover.
I never wanna be your last fight, your last heartbreak, your last mistake, or your last regret.

I wanna be your hand shaking, breath taking, love making, mold breaking man, who you know will always be there for you no matter what.

I want you to be able to look into my eyes and know that I'll pick you up whenever you fall, unless you fall in love.

I'll be already down there waiting to catch you.

Day 45 December 18 2013: Don't eat that

Watch the current push it to and fro,
Pack it together, wind up and let it go,
Catch it on your tongue as the winds blow,
But please, oh please, don't eat the yellow snow.

Day 44 December 17 2013: You charmer

There's a beauty in the way you whisper to me.
Watching you push your hair back and tell me something only meant for me.
My ears burn with every syllable uttered from your lips.
There's a passion in your words that only I know, a deep love and seriousness only I have heard.
For it is when you give me that look, move in closer to me, bridge the gap between your lips and my ear, and say those lovely lovely words I hear so often but never tire of.
That is when I truly know we are in love.

"Take out the god damn trash or no sex tonight."

Oh you're such a charmer.

Day 43 December 16 2013: Just a smile

I remember my life before you and how I used to sleep alone in a bed filled with one drunken asshole. I used to say "You can't find happiness at the bottom of a bottle, because when you get there it's empty and that's just sad."
That always made me laugh.

I remember yelling at people that were happier than me, telling them "To get a room!" and "Know it's never gonna last!" Fuck was I ever an asshole.
I don't know why you love me.

I remember when I used to just let the light flicker over me and how I sat there in my underwear looking at all the strewn beer cans and empty bottles, just thinking about how I was a mistake.

I remember you, the breath of an angel inflating my lungs, the sun in a sky that had only known darkness, a fire on the coldest of nights.

You saved me from something I never want to face.

Some people say that I should forget those times but I want to remember them. It lets me know how good you are to me.

You saved me and you didn't have to do anything but smile.

Day 42 December 15 2013: Waiting

Standing where I saw you last, I'll stand here through the seasons.
The sun will rise and burn my face and the moon and stars will show and fade, while I stand here.
You said you "needed to get lost to find yourself." I just hope you don't find you and lose me.
You said you'd come back you just didn't say when, so I'll stand here and wait until then.

"What have you been doing?"
"Just waiting for you."

Day 41 December 14 2013: My casket

There is a fire in this bed and the sheets are starting to smoke,
The friction of your legs on mine are the culprit.
There's a fire that burns only for you,
It's burning the chaff away and I am made anew.
The old me will die in a blaze of passion,
This bed will be his casket and this house will be his cemetery.

Whenever I'm with you I can rest in peace.

Day 40 December 13 2013: Slowly disappearing

You're covered in old hair.
Your body is falling apart.
You don't seem to listen anymore.
Yo! Look at me when I'm talking!
Y are you disappearing from me?

Day 39 December 12 2013: To be different

I enjoy being different, it makes me feel special.
While everyone else is walking forward, I'd rather run backwards while waving pool noodles.
While you color inside the lines I color over them and put imagination to work.
While everyone sits inside their box I'm flattening that mother out and break dancing.
While you are sitting inside and looking out the window you'll see me streaking by in a naked flash.
Because I enjoy being different, it lets me know I'm special.

If you are lucky enough to be born different,
Why would you change?

Day 38 December 11 2013: North to Alaska

"Dave we gotta get going if you wanna make that flight bud!" hollered Jake from outside while the car was warming up.

"I'm coming! I just gotta finish brushing my teeth!"

Snow had fallen last night and the roads weren't so good, getting to the airport this morning was rushed and I kept feeling like I was gonna forget something. I pushed that feeling behind me and spit out the toothpaste and took one last look in the mirror. Seeing this old weathered man is someone I barely recognize now. When did I get these birds feet? Where did the color from my hair go? Those laugh lines aren't so funny anymore old man.

"Hurry up Dave or you'll have to walk to Alaska!"

"Okay I'm good lets punch the highway!"

"What did you just say?"

"You know, hit the road, punch the highway?"

"Wow dude, I'm gonna miss that corny ass sense of humor."

The snow was coming down hard and we had to make time, I remember Jake was saying to have fun at the new place and not to forget him but my mind was elsewhere, as I watched the snow come over the old hood of his 67 chevy I felt like I was in a spaceship and I was about to embark on a new world, plant my flag in uncharted territory, "One small step for man" type shit ya know?

"Hey did you hear me dude?"

"No what? Sorry bro I was zoned out."

"Dude I was saying when you get there call so I know you didn't die or something. Don't 'zone out' on that okay man?"

"You got it brother."

I had no intention of ever making contact with him or anyone again but I couldn't tell him that, he wouldn't understand what I was doing, I don't think any of my friends would.

We got to the airport with no time to spare, which is good for me because I don't do goodbyes so well.

"Hey man have fun and come visit and tell me about being a wild man and all that jazz bro."

"You know I will dude. You and Stephanie should come visit too, I know you two would love it up there in the summer."

"Yeah we'll save up and see what we can do, that would be fun. Now go get the fuck out of here before you change your mind about this shit and I'm stuck with you again."

"Alright will do, I don't want that shit either."

We both laughed and hugged it out, he waved and said "see you soon dude." I wish he knew that I wasn't coming back, that I had no plans to visit, that I was gonna disappear and no one would find me, unless I wanted them too. But I just waved goodbye and let him drive that old truck off not knowing that I would never see or talk to him again.

"Shit I left my deodorant on the nightstand."

Christopher McCandless in front of the bus he died in.

Day 37 December 10 2013: After awhile

How did you get such a nice smile?
You wear it with such style.
You think you could stay awhile?
I think I just fell in love, with a crocodile.

Day 36 December 9 2013: I love you

I love you.

How many more times must I tell you for you to understand?
I love everything about you, every little perfection and every little flaw, I love you completely because you complete me.
I love you.

I'd give you the world if you would ask, I'd pull the stars from the sky if you but wished it, I'd completely fall apart to keep you whole.
I love you.

I'd run as far as needed if you're waiting at the end, I'm climb any peak if you'll be at the top, I'd undergo any hardship if it made it easier for you.
I love you.

I'll fight off your demons so you can be my angel, I'll carry your weight so you can rest, I'll give up everything I have to give you everything you want.
I love you.

I don't know what else to say but, I love you. I always have and I always will.

Day 35 December 8 2013: Other people

Dont stand so close to me please move a little further away, I have this thing about space.
Its nothing against you it's just the way I have always been, I can't help it.
I have to hold my breath around others and it makes me tense, I don't know what to say.
You probably wouldn't understand and I won't explain, I'll just leave it at this.


I only feel alone when I'm around other people.

Day 34 December 7 2013: I just need you

Ice is covering everything and I need you to warm my bed,

Frost is creeping in and I just need me next to you,

My king sized only feels whole with the queen in it,

Snow will be my blanket when my heart is frozen over,

I built this place for us and its only half full.

Don't leave me in the drift alone.

Don't leave me in this drift alone.

Day 33 December 6 2013: I prefer to dream

I fought a sand monster today after my ship crashed on the desert planet. I was a space captain fighting off the horde of "Wuzzly Woozles" single handed with only one laser rifle and a magic marker.

I flew yesterday. I danced on the clouds and shot spaghetti out of my fingers while pterodactyls flew by me wearing top hats and singing nineteen twenties show tunes.

One time I had a race car that turned into a dinosaur and it had laser vision and was covered in polkadots, it rained jellybeans and I won the rodeo on a T-Rex.

Tonight I'm gonna break an egg and out will pop Abraham Lincoln and we will play guitar for the Queen and Bigfoot will be the lead singer.

I can ride a hot air balloon a million miles and paint the sky as I go,

I can ride a Lion on a rainbow and shoot stars with a slingshot.

I can't recall the last time I've had a nightmare, while I was asleep that is.
Thats why I prefer to dream.

Day 32 December 5 2013: Numbers matter

I miss you every day, but five days more than others.

Birthday, Death day, Yesterday, Today, And Tomorrow.

America, a land of freedom and money, where it comes from and where it goes, its put into your news shows, pay attention to the numbers.

237 years of a place, with the burden placed, on the shoulders of the young, with his hands around a gun, and he’s counted as a number.

21 years out of 237 have been peace, that means that war is all you know, gun fights on your tv, but don’t worry it’s just a show, nothing but a bunch of ratings, just numbers.

The old play games with young life’s, who leave behind their wives, and whose name will later be carved into a stone and forgotten in time as just another number.

But they’ll live on, stay strong, and not be forgotten, at least for a little while, in the memories of us, the others numbers.

I am no longer a number, because I have gotten numb-er, to love, to death, and to hate, and things that should light a fire in my soul, now there’s just this hole, that’s filled with lost numbers.

Places change but wars stay the same, faces erased from time and space and only death remains. Sand and blood and a box, wrapped in what the people hide behind, a flag and a whole lot of numbers.

There’s never been a bad peace or a good war, so what are you fighting for? America, where war is money and the price is paid in blood.

As Arubdhati Roy once said “Flags are but bits of colored cloth to shrink-wrap people’s minds and then later as a ceremonial shroud used to bury the dead.“

But its okay, he was just another number.

Day 31 December 4 2013: Nothing to be done

Wet roads with dry soles,
Empty bottle and frayed hopes,
Lost dreams with lost clothes.

New mistakes and same place,
Old feeling with a new face,
Ashamed, disgraced.

And you'll be, a small girl just waiting,

sitting and anticipating, slowly sinking hating and wasting.
And it's too late to see, so I'll scream.
That there's nothing to be done for her.

Black lungs and dry throats,
New paint with old coats,
Flooding house and you can't float.

New drug and a new man,
Pipe dream with no plans,
Warm thighs, cold hands.

And you'll go, become a young woman who knows,

the price of good blows, can score great snow, and your nose knows just what goes.
And it's too late to see, so I'll scream.
That there's nothing to be done for her.

Stop signs and green lights,
Heavy hands and fist fights,
Short days with long nights.

Hamburgers and French fries,
Beating heart with dead eyes,
He smiles, she cries.

And you'll learn, to become an object who gets turns,

then you get turned, while your stomach churns and it burns, and you'll yearn.
And it's too late to see, so I'll scream.
That there's nothing to be done for her.

Day 30 December 3 2013: Survival of the fittest

I'm glad no one sees you,
I'm glad no one listens to your tears.
I'm glad no one holds you at night,
I'm glad no one calms your fears.

I'm glad that your alone,
I'm glad that you will die.
I'm glad that you're an easy meal,
I'm glad that I don't have to try.

I'm glad you suffer,
I'm glad you have no energy.
I'm glad you can barely move,
I'm glad you are weak, over me.

Kevin Carter's 1994 Sudan Famine.

After this picture was taken Kevin killed himself
three months later due to depression.

Day 29 December 2 2013: Distance builds character

Goodbye.
Good  bye.
Good    bye.
Good      bye.

Good        bye.

Good          bye.

Good            bye.

Good              bye.

Good                bye.

Good                  bye.

Good                    bye.

The distance between Good and Goodbye is measured in heartbeats.

Day 28 December 1 2013: Your signature move away

I'll never forget your signature.

I told you that you've had too many, you just crawled up clutching tighter to the bottle.
"I'm tired and I just wanna sleep." You mumbled.
"Come back to me, oh what did you do?!"
You stopped and looked at my face, "I think you need to forget me, I've already forgotten you."

As I stood there just watching you crash, you're in my underwear and you just looked off in the distance not even noticing me trying to get you to see.
I didn't know what to do in that moment, so I stood there just saying "You'll miss me".

Because I've never tried so hard to be someone I'm not so I could be with someone who was never really there.

You had enough and I called the ambulance. I said "I'm sorry for what I said." because we both know I treated you rough.
But you liked that in a sorta bad way.
I guess I should have seen it coming.

Sixteen hours in the waiting room.
I was waiting for bad news.

I knew that when you left you did it on purpose,
Your pills took you down like a submersive,
I stood on the waves and beat at the surface,
I'm left writing your memories here in my verses.

I'm sorry if I ever made you feel worthless,
I saw you laying on that floor and I was so nervous,
Tell me, Was it really all worth this?
When you wrote off the world, yeah you did it in cursive.