Day 145: I prayed today, well kinda...

I saw a car with a yellow ribbon on it today, I wanted to ask them about it but I can't tell if it's just for show or if they really had it for someone.
I got another band tattooed on my calf this week, I wonder how long until my legs turn black.
I keep getting more and more ink but it doesn't help but there is something to "Ink Therapy."

I pretended to pray today.

I helped an old lady into her car with a sticker that said "Proud Army grandmother."
I asked about her sticker and she told me "My grandson saved his friends, he jumped on the grenade that was gonna kill them all, he saved their lives. He's a hero"
She looked proud and I felt sad.
I helped her back out of her parking spot.
I saw a flag waving on a corner house and I saw they had a gold star service flag in the window, I wonder if I knew them, I wonder if I could've saved them, I wonder if they saved me.

I pretended to pray today.

I went to visit you.
I brought you a six pack and I hate to admit it but I drank most of it. I sat there telling you all that was new in my life and I knew I wouldn't get anything back.
I knew that most of it was made up and I was lying to a dead person.
The groundskeeper keeps telling me this is gonna kill the grass around you, I say fuck em'.
We both know what makes the grass grow. We are both laughing now and only a few people will get it.
Blood, blood, blood.

I pretended to pray today.

I sat in the church this Sunday and talked to myself hoping to hear someone say something back, hoping to hear anything, a scream, a noise, a whisper, just something to let me know I was heard, to let me know that you weren't just gone.
I sat in silence for five hours and I waited.
The pastor came over to me and prayed with me.

I prayed today.

It felt the same as pretending.

I haven't heard a thing since that day back in Kajaki. I don't think I hear much but ringing when everything gets quiet. I haven't heard much since I heard you last.
Maybe I just don't wanna listen. Maybe someone is trying to talk to me but they don't speak English or Pashtun. Fuck them for not listening when we needed them.

I pretended to pray today, I just wish whoever it is wasn't pretending to listen.

"God doesn't pick sides in war. People pick Gods and the survivors think they found truth."
 - J.R.

Slawson, Myself, Cooper, and good ol' Cobblepott
bedding down for the night.
Prince took this photo before it rained.