I'll never understand it no matter how much I try.
I've prayed, I've been baptized, I've asked to be spoken to, I read the entire book(s) multiple times front to back, I've fasted, I've been abstinent (well kinda), I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, I've cried out to the skies from the bottom of my heart to the top of my lungs, "IF YOU'RE OUT THERE I WANNA KNOW! SHOW YOURSELF TO ME! STOP BEING A FUCKING COWARD! I NEED TO SEE YOU!"
I've sat in churches, temples, synagogues, and mosques, I've done everything I can to find you and you still evade me.
I spent days praying and no one was listening to the babble that fell out of my mouth.
I'll never be a part of Islam/Christianity/Buddhism/Mormonism/Hinduism/Judaism/Zoroastrianism/Sikhism/Confucianism/Taoism/Jainism/Rastafarian/Baha'i/Shinto no matter what I do.
They all take faith and I have none left.
Why have faith in something that I can't believe in and has no faith in me?
I'm not good enough, I am evil, I can't do anything by myself, I was born to do bad things, I am a product of incest, I don't do anything good by myself, I have to be happy about human sacrifice, and I will die forever and ever because I lack what is needed to become immortal.
If I'm damned forever, I guess that is my own doing, my own curse, and my own fault for just not getting it or for just not being able to have faith.
I'll never understand it, I don't know how other people do, or maybe, I'm just not supposed to.
"The lord works in mysterious ways." - Worst fucking cop-out ever.
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